Need to crawl before walk

Hey guys.
Well, I guess this is the first time in a really, really long time, that I have some good news to share with you, well, not as much good as actually just news.
So, these last two weeks things got better. I'm eating like, 400 calories per day and doing some exercises at home, of course that I did screw things up a little, I had three "little" binge episodes, I say little because I know that I can do a LOT worse than that. I've been watching some eating disorders videos on youtube to help me out, but they're not "pro ana" videos, the videos I've seen are made by girls who used to be anorexics, bulimics or whatever and than now they're trying to recover; I don't know why, but they're helping me to feel more confident, strong and stick to my diet, I guess they make me feel this way because I can relate to those girls, just like me, they used to be thin, popular, "perfect" and bla bla bla and now, they're lost, trying to get their lives back... So yeah, it's good to watch them. I couldn't possibly watch those "pro ana" craps, because I find 99% of the girls who made those videos, idiots and also because those girls are thin, pretty, they're in control of their bodies, so, you can imagine how I feel when I watch a person who is what I'm not and how I wish to be and can't... It's very, very depressing. I feel bad about myself, like a failure.
Last week I went to the movies with that friend of mine from college. We watched Shrek... (hahhaha) Well, the movie isn't great or anything, but I guess it was a good thing for me, just to get out of my house, to walk in the streets at night... I simply enjoy this feeling of freedom that I haven't had in my life for a real long time. I felt like I was a normal person in that movie theatre, just being there with all those normal people, made me being even more certain that I don't wanna spend the rest of my life isolated from the world.
It's so weird to carry a whole life inside the body and no one suspects about all the crying, falling, fears. I'm smiling with my mouth, not my heart.
I've been trying to become humble. To take all the "No"s that life gives me. To lick the palaces floor, to feel despised like a dog, and it's ok, wake up, brush my teeths, eat breakfast and keep going. Not easy.
I lost in these two weeks, 6.6 lbs, not much, but I have no hurry, I don't have any plans right now. I won't give up on life, I'll win out of spite. Life will surrender to me.
Thanks girls for all your support, you have absolutely no idea how thankful I am.

"I think I live in a different world"

Who will love Aladdin Sane?

Hello you guys!
Well, finally I'm on a break/winter vacation from college... THANK GOD. But I guess it would be sooo much better if I had a break from my job too... =/
Unfortunately my life isn't very interesting and I have nothing new to say. I'm trying to eat 500 calories a day, but I can't say that I've succeed... not yet!
Basically, I spend my days watching movies, reading books and I'm getting scared, 'cause I'm getting TOO comfortable with this situation, I mean, what's the point to lose weight if I'm not gonna go out with my friends anymore? In a way, I guess I'm self sabotaging myself. I'm seriously thinking on a deadline... A deadline to start to live my life again! To go out with my friends! (losing or not losing weight). I need to feel alive again, to see my friends, to laugh... But I'm feeling so insecure about what they will think about me.
The only thing I'm sure is that I don't wanna keep living like this. Right now, I'm feeling like the worst version of myself, just a stupid shadow and God, nobody deserves to feel this way. I'm not sure about what I'm going to do, but this situation needs DRASTIC MEASURES! Tonight, I'm gonna put my head on the pillow and think about some plan.. Lists of things that I should do to start getting my life on tracks again you know? So, if you guys have ANY, ANY ideas, PLEASE, let me know! 'Cause being alone, reading a book or watching a movie every single day IT'S NOT FUN! That's for sure! There's nothing pretty, romantic, mysterious or interesting about loneliness... just pain, hate, self pity and despair.

ps: sorry for this LAME post =/

And I will never, never again run away from life

Be kind with yourself

Sorry for taking so long to update. I suck!

But I wanna thank all of you guys for your support and kind words. I guess I have nothing really interesting to say. My job still sucks, college is a little bit better, I mean, I can definitely say that I've become very close to those girls, especially to one of them! I have no doubt that we've become friends. We laugh at the same jokes and our (angry and depressive hahahaha) personalities are very similar and that's amazing. But it wouldn't be fair to say that I didn't connect to the other two, it's just that I have more affinity with this other girl. But all of them are sort of my friends now. They all know that I take pills, but only that other girl knows about my E.D.

I haven't been doing any diet, I've binged a lot, but I haven't purged! That's a good thing... right? But unfortunately, I gained all the weight... =/
Last night, I was watching a rerun of the Oprah show and the guest was that author of that book: "Women, food and God", Geneen Roth. I really enjoyed the interview. In a way, I already knew all those things, but I felt really touched by some women's stories... It's so sad too see how much (imaginary) power we have conceded to food. So, I've decided to be kind with myself (one of the things that the author says in her book). We can only relieve ourselves from this prison through kindness and love, we can't keep torturing, hating and hurting ourselves and expect that anything good come from there. I'm not saying that I'm going to give up or anything like that, but I won't be so hard on myself; there's a LOT of people out there, that already treat me like that (like my mother, for example), so let them torture, hate or hurt me, 'cause I won't. I'm not also saying that I won't complain or vent, no, but I will not get all dramatic about it and I'll be more reasonable. I've been through a lot and I can't expect to succeed without some falls or little failures, the only thing that will be different, is the way I'm going to react to them.

I'll NOT hurt myself anymore, I'll NOT cry all night long anymore, I'll NOT hate myself anymore... No! I'll be proud of every single try and day.
Fride posted some Audrey Hepburn pictures on her journal and I automatically remembered of this Audreys quote and it's a beautiful one:

"For attractive lips,
Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise,
Walk with the knowledge that you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed,
Never throw out anybody.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
You'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands;
One for helping yourself,
The other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives and the passion that she shows.

The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years."

"My darling, you're such a child. You think that by saying, "I'm sorry," all the past can be corrected".

Be kind with yourself

Sorry for taking so long to update. I suck!
But I wanna thank all of you guys for your support and kind words. I guess I have nothing really interesting to say. My job still sucks, college is a little bit better, I mean, I can definitely say that I've become very close to those girls, especially to one of them! I have no doubt that we've become friends. We laugh at the same jokes and our (angry and depressive hahahaha) personalities are very similar and that's amazing. But it wouldn't be fair to say that I didn't connect to the other two, it's just that I have more affinity with this other girl. But all of them are sort of my friends now. They all know that I take pills, but only that other girl knows about my E.D.

I haven't been doing any diet, I've binged a lot, but I haven't purged! That's a good thing... right? But unfortunately, I gained all the weight... =/
Last night, I was watching a rerun of the Oprah show and the guest was that author of that book: "Women, food and God", Geneen Roth. I really enjoyed the interview. In a way, I already knew all those things, but I felt really touched by some women's stories... It's so sad too see how much (imaginary) power we have conceded to food. So, I've decided to be kind with myself (one of the things that the author says in her book). We can only relieve ourselves from this prison through kindness and love, we can't keep torturing, hating and hurting ourselves and expect that anything good come from there. I'm not saying that I'm going to give up or anything like that, but I won't be so hard on myself; there's a LOT of people out there, that already treat me like that (like my mother, for example), so let them torture, hate or hurt me, 'cause I won't. I'm not also saying that I won't complain or vent, no, but I will not get all dramatic about it and I'll be more reasonable. I've been through a lot and I can't expect to succeed without some falls or little failures, the only thing that will be different, is the way I'm going to react to them.

I'll NOT hurt myself anymore, I'll NOT cry all night long anymore, I'll NOT hate myself anymore... No! I'll be proud of every single try and day.
Fride posted some Audrey Hepburn pictures on her journal and I automatically remembered of this Audreys quote and it's a beautiful one:

"For attractive lips,

Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,

Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,

Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,

Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise,

Walk with the knowledge that you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed,

Never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,

You'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands;

One for helping yourself,

The other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives and the passion that she shows.

The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years."

"My darling, you're such a child. You think that by saying, "I'm sorry," all the past can be corrected".

"Why does my heart go on beating?"

So, finally, I'm back. I can't apologize enough for my absence, but as I said to you guys, with the college, I have absolutely no time.

Anyway, I can't say I'm thrilled or happy about be studying again, but at least I'm more fine now than during the first days. See, on my first day who I saw in the same class as me? An old gay friend, actually we weren't friends, we just had friends in common, so we used to hang out together. He's a nice guy (at least that's what I used to think) and fun, but my friend (one of those friends in common) don't like him and always said that he is that "pseudo-intellectual" kind of guy, you know? I've mentioned to some of you guys, that I used to have a friend, she was really cool, but she's a lesbian and well, even though she knew that I'm not, she insisted on having more than a friendship with me. Anyway, she got crazy. Started to follow my life on the internet, talk to my friends behind my back. Now I don't talk to her anymore, 'cause she ALWAYS makes a scene and she's very dramatic... The thing is, that guy that is in my classroom, is a best friend of this girl, so, when I saw him, I was kind of happy, at least was a familiar face you know? (and I didn't have anything against him... so far). Oh boy, I was soooo wrong, he came up to me with all the pseudo-intellectual crap. I if said that I like green, he'd said that he likes yellow, because is the BEST and ONLY color, you know? Always making stupid speeches, he was being kind of rude to me, trying to transform every single thing that I said in the most pathetic idea, goal or ideology. On the third day, I sat on the chair next to him and you know what he said? He asked me to jump a seat, because he wanted to put his backpack on the chair... Then I started to make conversation, he barely answered me and then, he simply got up (while I was still talking) and went to the other side of the classroom to talk to some guys. That was it! I thought: "C'mon, you're SO much better than him! You don't need to beg his friendship for God's sake!". So, I turned to my left and started to talk with three girls. And now, guess what? That stupid guy, became SUCH a suckass of me! Really, like, almost every day he gives me cigarettes, starts to talk to me and the girls. I didn't have anything against him at all and I know he likes me, he was just acting like a poser; because he wanted to be "loyal" to his crazy psycho friend and he thought that I wouldn't make any friendships... hahahaha. The thing is, he talks superficially with everybody in our classroom, but I don't know if he's too arrogant or what, that he's ALWAYS alone. We used to smoke together during the first days, now, while I'm talking and smoking with the girls during the break/intermission (I don't know how to translate) he's there, smoking by himself. And everytime he got a chance, he come to talk to me, all nice, gentle, praising me, laughing at my jokes...¬¬ That's why I don't act the way he acted to me, I know that every single thing we do in this world, come back to us... I only can say this: TOO BAD FOR HIM! hahahahaha. I won't humiliate him or anything, but I'll never be his friend, I only talk to him if he talks to me first and I always say what I'm thinking to his face! I've been nice to him and he preferred to act like an idiot to me. At least I say it to his face.
But besides that, things haven't changed, I'm still eating like a pig, gaining and gaining weight and I haven't been able to see my friends and hang out with them. I'm so terrified now, seriously, something inside of me, is telling me that's how my life is going to be. That I'll be a failure, with a mediocre job and with no friends... And I guess the worst part is that I believe in that.
My job still sucks! On one hand the college is good, 'cause at least I can interact to people who don't know about my E.D, so I don't mind hanging out with them, 'cause they didn't know me when I was thin, but at the same time, I'm not happy, 'cause this isn't the major that I want...
Anyway, at least in july we'll have a break, so, I'll be able to come here more often.
Before I go, yesterday was mother's day right? Even though I don't have a good relationship with my mother, I decided to buy her a present, I spent HOURS in a mall with a work colleague who was late to a party, but she decided to help me to choose a present. So, I bought a Burberry coat and a perfume by Yves Saint Laurent. I came home and decided to already give her the presents; she said "Thanks" and opened the bags, she looked the presents and said: "Thanks, but I don't like these kind of things" and put the bags on the couch and turned her back on me... I can't even say how much that hurted me; because my colleague was like: "C'mon, you HAVE to buy something for your mother, I'm sure she'll be so happy" and bla bla bla, and stupid me to believe that my mother would actually like anything that I bought for her. My brother gave her chocolate and soccer shirt. She loved it! She's announcing to the whole world what a great son she has. In the meanwhile, I was drinking vodka and getting drunk; then I don't know all this pain that I keep inside myself suddenly became too much to handle and the only thing I was able to do to relieve a little of that pain and sadness was to cut my arm (I'm not proud of it) and lay down on the bathroom floor and cry my eyes out.


Well, I hope you guys have an amazing week.

"You think I wanna be like this?"

Finally... the end!

So, here we go again.

I promised that this would be the last part, I wasn't lying heheheh :)
Okay, I quitted my job and was at home doing nothing but eat the entire day, so I decided to see a psychiatrist, I knew that I need help and I was so miserable and depressed that I couldn't stand another day with that feeling. During the therapy, I told him the whole story, he confirmed that I had depression and he prescribed me some meds. He said that there isn't a real cure for eating disorder, the best thing I could get would be how to live with the disease without feeling like a piece of garbage, he also said that until I truly believed that there's hope for me, that I can be happy I wouldn't be capable of being cured, that I was too attached to the past, that it's normal to people move on, that I could meet new friends even more interesting than the ones that I had, but I was (am) too attached with everything that happened at those days that I used to have control, that I was refusing to move on. He said that I was expecting some kind of "miracle" that would make things go back exactley how they were before; that my friends still would be there for me (all of them, not just a few ones), that I woud still be thin, popular and in control of my life. Inside of me, I knew all those things, what I wanted was some kind of magic answer/solution to solve all my problems and to make me feel ok with all the changes that happened in my life. So, I didn't get the magic answer, the depression didn't leave me and I was feeling exactly the same, only now, more hopeless than ever, 'cause I had use the last card - the psychiatrist card- and didn't work at all and I had absolutely no idea about what should I do next.
So, I decided to get a job, 'cause I needed money and I couldn't stand be at home all day and being judged by my mother, she said that I'm pathetic, that I didn't have any disease (to her, eating disorder isn't a disease, only cancer or something like that) and that I'm dumb, that I wasted all my life. One day I was feeling so bad (I threw up in a plastic bag in my backyard and posted that on my old blog) and I really needed to try to make my mother understand how I felt,
that I wasn't making a scene, that I was really depressed and wishing I was dead. So, I showed her my blog, specifically that post about the purge, she barely read and started to scream things like: "You're worthless, all you do is to seat in front of the computer and write these stupid things, if you're going to throw up the food that I buy, don't eat! Food is expensive and differently than you, there's people starving all over the world right now and aren't stupid like you to throw it all away". I didn't say anything, not because I was feeling afraid of her, but because those words destroyed parts of me that I didn't even was aware that still existed; my own mother was saying those awful things to me, she wasn't like other mother's, she didn't
have faith in me, she didn't think I was beautiful... no, to her, I was pathetic, a failure, attention seeker and dumb. From that day on, I realized I couldn't count on her for anything and became even more difficult to me to live under the same roof as her, because I was feeling more and more left out of the so called family...
So, I got a new job right? Nothing special, just something to make me busy and to pay the bills. I went to another psychiatrist, who said the same things, plus he even said that he'd like to talk to my mother...ha! I don't even have to say that she didn't went. Then, I quitted this therapy too. I had a work colleague who wanted to live alone, she was looking for a roommate, so, I went to live with her. I alredy was close to her, knew her, liked her and I thought this could work and the best part was that I'd get out of this living hell that I still live: my parents house. And bam, I got fired from my job! But that didn't change things, we still would live together and after I get all the money from the job, I'd start to look for another one. So, at first everything was ok, we had fun together. I thought that living with her I wouldn't feel so lonely, but different than me, she had a social life, every day at night when she got home from work, her friends called her non-stop and I just simply stood there, looking at my cell phone that didn't received a call for ages (hahahaha, totally pathetic, I know) and they asked her to go out, every time she went out, she invited me and she really wanted me to go with her, 'cause she knew about my depression,
the eating disorder and bla bla bla, but I was never in the mood for it. One day - after 2 months that I was living with her - I went grocery shopping and by the time I left the building I started to feel SO anxious (I rarely went out to the street when I lived with this girl), I started getting panic attacks, started to feel scared, like if something terrible was about to happen to me and nobody would be able to help me. So, I had some kind of panic attack in the middle of street; people called an ambulance, but even though I couldn't stop screaming and crying, so they had to medicated me and later that day, my roommate went pick me up from the hospital. I refused to make the whole tests, so when I left the hospital, I thought I had some kind of panic attack and that was it, that wouldn't happen ever again... oh boy, I was wrong! Few days later, I tried to get out of the apartment and the whole thing happened again and I felt even more scared, if that's possible. At the hospital, the doctor (psychiatrist) who were examining me while I was sedated
('cause I couldn't relax without being sedated) diagnosed the agoraphobia. He said that the disease was triggered by the E.D, that I was too concerned about my image and what people could think about me, that this whole insecurity have taken me to the agoraphobia and that probably was getting stronger for a few months, but that I only became aware of it when I got out of my comfort zone.

Well, after that, I came back to my parents place, because I couldn't even get out of the apartment to grocery shopping, so obviously I wasn't getting any job so soon and also because, it wasn't her responsibility to take care of me, she had her own life and problems.
Anyway, summarizing: I became an even bigger joke to my mother. My father paid for one year the psychiatrist treatment for agoraphobia (yeah, I spent a entire year inside of my house, I didn't even went to the backyard. The kitchen's door was my limit). The psychiatrist had to come at my house to the therapy - cause I couldn't get out of my house - and I was able to learn how to control a little the agoraphobia, but even today it ain't easy, it's a 24h job, I have to focus a lot, take a lot of anxiety medications and pretty much create a whole fantasy world inside of my head, so I can get out, without fainting in the middle of the street. So, it's too much pressure: agoraphobia + E.D = me eating like a pig.
After I was able to manage the agoraphobia, I lose weight, saw those few friends a couple of time, filled my heart with (silly) hopes that everything would be ok... Then, the vicious cycle came back: I gained back all the weight I lost, started to hide again from my friends and bla bla bla.

I guess it's pretty much it. Now as you guys know, I have a job, went back to college, CAN'T lose weight, binge ALL the time and don't see my real friends for a long time.
All these things happened to me from my 17 to my 21 years old (last year). I've been through a lot and the worst part is that I haven't changed. I'm still haunting by the past, by what coud I have been, I used to be so promising and now I'm this mess.

The same girl who wants to go back in time when everything were perfect and by doing that, I'm shutting myself to new people and new experiences, 'cause in my stupid head, doesn't seem that I could possibly meet a nicer group of people than those friends I had, and that we would have so much fun as I had with them, because what if I decided to do that, meet new people and get disappointed? Then I'd know there's really nothing for me in this world, that I can't be happy ever again. While I'm still shutting myself up, I feel like the depression and all my failures are ED's fault (me playing the victim here ¬¬), but if I take that chance and things didn't change? So, there's no one to blame. I'll have to admit that I'm a failure, pathetic, that I wasted my life and that I won't be happy, that I'll keep living my life through/remembering about the past, trying
to lose weight (without being able to actually lose it)... Being pretty much a failure.
I don't think I could handle with any more pain, so I rather leave the "possibility door" closed, 'cause once I open it, there's no way back, if I don't like what has to offer me, there will be no more doors to open it.

"Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want."

Birthday girl... Ok then.

Ok, taking a break from the "Story of my Life" (ha!) to talk a little bit about my birthday and some things that has happened in my life in these past weeks.

So, my birthday right? I already knew that I wasn't celebrate, because I'm feeling fatter, sadder and depressed than ever, but even that I already knew that, I wasn't 100% happy or comfortable about it, because even though my year has sucked, every time I was able to collect strength, confident, lose weight and go out with my friends! Every time that my birthday was comming up, I started to prepare myself for it, but unfortunately this year I couldn't. Since I've the E.D, my birthday became even more important to me, because it was some of the few times that I go out in the entire year. Where I could put the best smile on my face (even that was a fake one), pretend that everything would be ok, that I would be fine and every single time, I was able to enjoy 100% and create great memories. So, obviously I felt sad to not celebrate this year, I simply couldn't, I didn't have what it takes to go out and try to have fun.
My parents didn't say "happy birthday" to me, but it wasn't a surprise, they never say that. But I was expecting a few calls from friends and messages on facebook and orkut (because they ALWAYS do these kind of things) and how surprise was I when only one friend called me and 9 persons left me birthday messages on orkut... Nine, from 254 contacts! (and from these nine, only two were real friends, the others, were people that I used to work with or went to school with). I felt so left out, forgettable, useless, disposable, unlove... I wasn't expecting messages from all the 200 contacts, but I was expecting from the people that I love, that I always call on their birthdays and send them messages.
Anyway, I spent the day crying and drinking beer and vodka at home... that was REALLY depressed. I started to feel like a real failure, 'cause not even the people that supposed to love me, have hope and faith on me and care about me enough, to take a couple of minutes and write me a fuck "happy birthday" message on orkut! So, I left them a few messages (angry and upset ones), and on the next day some of them was like "Oh, I'm so sorry, I wasn't online yesterday, that's why I didn't see that was your birthday and left you a message"... Honestly, I don't buy that! I guess now, more than ever, I really must to learn how to be alone, to feel ok and glad with empty heart and empty house... To move on with empty hands and a trustful heart...
Anyyyyway, some fresh news: I go back to college! See, here in Brazil we have for a few years a government program, where they offer scholarship to several colleges. Works like this: you need to have not went to a prived school, you can't be rich or anything like that and by the end of the year you take a test, depending on your grade, you can get a scholarship. The things is, that II'm not exactly doing/studying what I wanted (journalism), instead I'm on advertising course... The course it's the same (the first years), because it's communications courses, but instead of getting a degree in journalism, it's in advertising. I'm only doing that because:

- In the first year the classes are the same.
- 'Cause I don't wanna just sit and watch my life (world) happening without me.
- I'm tired of wasting my life, I figured that's better than nothing.
- 'Cause I can be out of the house for more time (I don't need to live in sorority house or anything like that, I still live in my parents place. Here in Brazil, we don't live in rooms with other students and things like that. Only if the college is in another state).
- And also because at the end of this year I will take that test again and do my best to get accepted into the college that I want and get my degree in journalism.


But as usual, it's not all sunshine and rainbows in that college, I'll explain it better in my next entry, with the rest of "The Story..." hahahahahahaha. I'm just tired of doing nothing, I guess I must try to do something for me, for my life and try to forget about the E.D. and see if I can make it... right?
I guess that's it.

"So you failed. You wanna be really great?
Have the courage to fail big and stick around.
Make them wonder why you're still smiling."

__________________________________________________

ps: Thank you Katelyn, as I already said to you before:
You made my day! For real. It's incredible how we can touch and be touched by people who live in another country and that we have never met face to face. And that's what makes your message so important to me, the fact that you don't know me face to face, but care about me.
I'm not being able to express myself how I wanted, I'm probably sounding confusing right now, so: thank you so much!

My Life (part III)

Continuing...

While I was thin and starting to feel depressed, I wasn't hanging out with my friends so often (as I said) and I started hanging out with other friends, 3 boys (I used to go to school with one of them) and they're awesome! It was two different groups to hang out with, but they both were perfect in their own way. But the real, real, real friends was the first group.
Anyway, I was remembering that when I started being paranoid about my weight, I didn't know I had anorexia, I seriously didn't know! One day, I was surfing on the internet and I don't know in what web page I ended up, but it was explaining the symptoms and bla bla bla. I remember vividly that I felt scared, because everything that was written in there applied to me! I used to think that eating disorder was a stupid girl disease and I would never thought that I would have it, I always had such strong personality, people considered me smart... the type of girl who definitely doesn't follow the patterns and who doesn't give a damn about them! But that feeling (the scary feeling) didn't last long. Here in Brazil, we don't use facebook as much as other countries, we use more orkut, so one day I was on my orkut page and some random girl added me as a friend, and she only did that because I was in some diet groups and on her profile page there was a whole new and different world, the "ana mia" world... Then I started being "proud" of having a disease and didn't keep secret about it with my friends. I became very "popular" in that world, I made a blog and had tons of "friends". They called me thinspo and I was an "example" of willpower, because I rarely ate and in all my posts I used to tell about my weekend, about my nights out, my drunkenness and all the stupid things that we do when we're drunk that are fun and make us and other people laugh. The problem was, when I started to gain weight and wasn't so fun and funny anymore, all those "friends" disappeared and didn't even visit my page anymore; that hurt me a lot.
Anyway, continuing, so I decided to ingest more calories, the problem was that I simply couldn't stop eating, I easily could gain in one week and a half 10 kg (22 lbs)... By that time, I obviously wasn't hanging out (or even talking) with my friends anymore, I was very ashamed of myself, I quitted college and my job and the only thing I did all day was eat, eat, eat... Until I became a compulsive eater I never had throwing up before (not intentionally, of course), but I didn't see any way out, I felt trapped and even more depressed than ever; so, I started throwing up, at least I figured that I wouldn't gain more weight. I used to throw up at least 8 or 9 times a day (I even had a stomach ulcer because of it). I don't even have to say that I was feeling more and more depressed, I started to cut myself and I didn't make some superficial cuts, (like some stupid girls) I did some deep ones - I even had to get stitches - and today, I have some AWFUL scars on my arm, really awful, I can't hide it, they're very thick... I regret that, if I could go back in time, I would NEVER do that to myself again. It was a stupid habit and didn't solve any of my problems.
So, I found a person on the internet that sold medications without medical prescription and I bought them. I lived on valium, amphetamines and some other meds. When I was feeling confident enough I went out with my friends, but before, things were different; they have changed (a LOT) and the few times that I saw them, wasn't the whole group, just 3 girls (out of 11 persons) that today, I still keep in touch. So, I don't know how to explain it to you guys, but it wasn't the same to me, we used to be so close and all of a sudden we barely saw each other and what let me even more sad it's that most of the time that I didn't went out (because I was feeling fat or because they "forgot" to invite me) the whole group was reunited. In a way, I started to feel even more depressed and left out. Today I still keep in touch with that 3 girls and 4 other friends that I met at a previous job; and I see them 3 or 4 times a year.
I'm talking too much already, I promisse that the next entry will be the last one of "The Story of My Life" ahahaha.

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Well, I honestly don't have anything new or exciting to tell you guys. I just wish I could sleep forever, because it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed each morning =/

Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive

My Life (part II)

Continuing...
I was losing weight very fast and was very determined.
Let me tell you guys a little bit about my relationship with my family. I live with my mother, father and my brother (he's one year younger than me). When I was little, I used to get along pretty well with all of them, I don't know exactly when things started to change, maybe when I was 12 or 13 years old; that I started to go out and things like that. But it all comes down pretty much to this: I don't love my mother and father (but I do respect them) and they don't love me either. I'm not being dramatic or anything like that, just realistic. When I was younger (that age that I've mentioned) they were always comparing to my brother, saying that I should be more like him, do this or do that...We used to fight a lot (me and my mother), things got to a point that I said: "I hate you" and she said: "You're the biggest mistake of my life". Since those days, we don't talk much; to an outsider, would seem that I don't belong to the family; because my mom, dad, brother they live in their own world and me in mine. I don't interact with them. They rarely talk to me and I rarely talk to them. When I lost all that weight, my parents didn't say a word about it (and also when I gained it back). So, for me it was easy to stay away from food, because my parents don't make me eat, don't ask me what I've eaten and things like that. So, everything seems perfect. But then I start to think about food all the time you know? I dreamed about foods that I couldn't eat and I was feeling weaker and weaker. Depression was slowly coming into my life. When my friends called me, inviting me to go out, sometimes I didn't went. Because I was feeling so weak and tired. And when I did went, I don't know... I started to feel like I didn't belong there you know? I saw all those smiley faces around me and I simply couldn't smile back (at least not a real smile, I was always faking). All that I could think about was food! How many calories I ate, how many I should eat tomorrow, how many were on that vodka... I wasn't truly capable to have a great time and focus on what was happening around me. I was feeling so sad, even though all my friends were with me. But something inside of me was broken and they didn't see that. And even though they could have seen it coming, unfortunately they couldn't help me (I never allowed that).
And then, one day I made a decision: to ingest more calories, because then I'd have more energy to enjoy the nights out with my friends and life in general. In my head, all those feelings that I had, would disappear when I put on some weight.
And that was when everything started to go wrong... ___________________________________________________

Back to the present. I just wanna thank you guys so much for your lovely comments! I seriously can't thank you enough.
Since the last time I came here, things were pretty much the same: terrible. But this last week I started to slowly get my life (confidence) together... baby steps right? I realized that is IMPOSSIBLE for me to fix all my problems in just one day. I have to take as much time as I need. I don't think that I screwed things up this (last) week. The only thing that is really bothering and annoying me is my fucking job! I'm seriously thinking about quitting, because I'm working with such shady, cruel, envy and mean people (the worst part is that they are my bosses¬¬) and that's affecting me. I feel so bad when I got there to work. A lot of times that I screwed up my diet was because I was feeling so anxious/nervous/upset over that lame job.
Well I talked too much, I'll stop now. I sincerely hope you all are ok and that you all have a great week. Just say to yourself: 2010 starts tomorrow (as salvage caballo said to me).
We can fix a lot of the things that are making us miserable today.

"You're maudlin and full of self-pity. You're magnificent!"

My life (part I)

Yes, part I, because I realized that if I tell you guys everything that has happened to me just in one post you would fall as sleep! hahahaha.

My name is Helena, I’m 21 years old and I’m from Brazil.
Before the ED I dare say that I had the perfect life. I had amazing friends which I saw every weekend, we used to go out a lot and have fun. Everybody who knew me back then described me as a fun, independent, intelligent, sarcastic girl, with a good sense of humor and who would never end up with such stupid disease like this, because of my strong personality.
The thing is that one day a person made a comment about my weight (a person that I really despise and dislike), so, to prove her wrong I decided to lose a few pounds... Well, I don’t even have to say how things ended up right? The few pounds became 20kg (44lbs) and all the suddenly I became anorexic. I was eating 200 calories a day and exercising a lot. I always told my friends about my concerns about my weight, but the thing is that I always made fun of myself, so, I guess in a way they didn’t take me 100% seriously; sometimes when we were having a party and had to go grocery shopping, I used make stupid calories jokes while they were buying food; I used to take away from them every junk (or regular) food saying: “Look, look how many calories are in this stuff! No, no, let’s buy some letuce...” hahahaha. They looked at me mad (but laughing too) saying: “Helena, shut up. Go buy your letuce and we’re gonna buy some chips”. They saw me lose all that weight and they didn't discourage me, of course they didn't approve, but for them I was ok, 'cause I was always laughing and making jokes about it. Even they made fun of me, comparing me to sticks and always making jokes about me being too thin, and the worst part is that I felt flattered...

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Anyway back to the present, last week only didn't suck more because didn't have more days... Seriously I'm right now so depressed about the things that I've done, I even consider drink the whole bottle of pills to get an overdose to not wake up the next day, but that wouldn't be the right thing to do and honestly, I don't wanna be a coward. I wanna get out of this life with my head up and no regrets; the only reason that I could possibly think for me to take my life would be if I was truly hopeless, but I'm not, I still believe that I can change things! As long as I have this feeling with me, I'll keep breathing and trying. I'll not give up only because things got harder, nobody said it would be easy.

I hope next week I have some good news to tell you guys =/

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

As Salvage Caballo's journal used to say: “Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up”

Hello girls.

So 2010 right? You know what happened to all those promises that I made to myself? I failed! BIG!
These last two weeks were awful, I mean truly awful! I guess I probably gained all the weight I lost back... no kidding! Obviously I didn’t had the courage to weigh myself, otherwise I’d probably commit suicide.
I’ve been binging and purging a lot. My throat hurts so much right now and I’m so ashamed of my behaviour. Every single time that I’m doing ok, I screw things up. Sometimes (almost all the time) I wonder if I’ll be able to make it through, if I’ll be the winner of this marathon... but I must say... that’s very unlikely.
I wish I had good news to share with you guys, but unfortunately that’s not the case. But I’m not ready to throw in the towel! If I can breathe, I might as well keep on trying. I can’t let this negative attitude take over me. Baby steps (right Emily?). 2010 will NOT be like 2009! I won’t let it happen! This is my year and has barely begun, so I have plenty of time to change things and enjoy this life that has been given to me.
My new year’s was kind of funny, I didn’t go out, I was home drinking a whole bottle of vodka and chatting with a friend of mine on msn and man... it was SO funny! We laughed so much with our stupid drunk conversation.
And I wanna live for moments like these, I wanna laugh, hug the people I love and dance without feeling this weight over my shoulders.
A new week is about to start, so, let’s change too. It’s only food, not love. Our love and passion are out there, waiting for us! The world can be ours; so, let’s go and participate in it and not just being part of the audience.
Next time I come here, I'll tell more about myself, how I ended up with and eating disorder and how my life was back then and how things are today.
Hope you girls have an amazing sunday!

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."