Ok, taking a break from the "Story of my Life" (ha!) to talk a little bit about my birthday and some things that has happened in my life in these past weeks.
So, my birthday right? I already knew that I wasn't celebrate, because I'm feeling fatter, sadder and depressed than ever, but even that I already knew that, I wasn't 100% happy or comfortable about it, because even though my year has sucked, every time I was able to collect strength, confident, lose weight and go out with my friends! Every time that my birthday was comming up, I started to prepare myself for it, but unfortunately this year I couldn't. Since I've the E.D, my birthday became even more important to me, because it was some of the few times that I go out in the entire year. Where I could put the best smile on my face (even that was a fake one), pretend that everything would be ok, that I would be fine and every single time, I was able to enjoy 100% and create great memories. So, obviously I felt sad to not celebrate this year, I simply couldn't, I didn't have what it takes to go out and try to have fun.
My parents didn't say "happy birthday" to me, but it wasn't a surprise, they never say that. But I was expecting a few calls from friends and messages on facebook and orkut (because they ALWAYS do these kind of things) and how surprise was I when only one friend called me and 9 persons left me birthday messages on orkut... Nine, from 254 contacts! (and from these nine, only two were real friends, the others, were people that I used to work with or went to school with). I felt so left out, forgettable, useless, disposable, unlove... I wasn't expecting messages from all the 200 contacts, but I was expecting from the people that I love, that I always call on their birthdays and send them messages.
Anyway, I spent the day crying and drinking beer and vodka at home... that was REALLY depressed. I started to feel like a real failure, 'cause not even the people that supposed to love me, have hope and faith on me and care about me enough, to take a couple of minutes and write me a fuck "happy birthday" message on orkut! So, I left them a few messages (angry and upset ones), and on the next day some of them was like "Oh, I'm so sorry, I wasn't online yesterday, that's why I didn't see that was your birthday and left you a message"... Honestly, I don't buy that! I guess now, more than ever, I really must to learn how to be alone, to feel ok and glad with empty heart and empty house... To move on with empty hands and a trustful heart...
Anyyyyway, some fresh news: I go back to college! See, here in Brazil we have for a few years a government program, where they offer scholarship to several colleges. Works like this: you need to have not went to a prived school, you can't be rich or anything like that and by the end of the year you take a test, depending on your grade, you can get a scholarship. The things is, that II'm not exactly doing/studying what I wanted (journalism), instead I'm on advertising course... The course it's the same (the first years), because it's communications courses, but instead of getting a degree in journalism, it's in advertising. I'm only doing that because:
My parents didn't say "happy birthday" to me, but it wasn't a surprise, they never say that. But I was expecting a few calls from friends and messages on facebook and orkut (because they ALWAYS do these kind of things) and how surprise was I when only one friend called me and 9 persons left me birthday messages on orkut... Nine, from 254 contacts! (and from these nine, only two were real friends, the others, were people that I used to work with or went to school with). I felt so left out, forgettable, useless, disposable, unlove... I wasn't expecting messages from all the 200 contacts, but I was expecting from the people that I love, that I always call on their birthdays and send them messages.
Anyway, I spent the day crying and drinking beer and vodka at home... that was REALLY depressed. I started to feel like a real failure, 'cause not even the people that supposed to love me, have hope and faith on me and care about me enough, to take a couple of minutes and write me a fuck "happy birthday" message on orkut! So, I left them a few messages (angry and upset ones), and on the next day some of them was like "Oh, I'm so sorry, I wasn't online yesterday, that's why I didn't see that was your birthday and left you a message"... Honestly, I don't buy that! I guess now, more than ever, I really must to learn how to be alone, to feel ok and glad with empty heart and empty house... To move on with empty hands and a trustful heart...
Anyyyyway, some fresh news: I go back to college! See, here in Brazil we have for a few years a government program, where they offer scholarship to several colleges. Works like this: you need to have not went to a prived school, you can't be rich or anything like that and by the end of the year you take a test, depending on your grade, you can get a scholarship. The things is, that II'm not exactly doing/studying what I wanted (journalism), instead I'm on advertising course... The course it's the same (the first years), because it's communications courses, but instead of getting a degree in journalism, it's in advertising. I'm only doing that because:
- In the first year the classes are the same.
- 'Cause I don't wanna just sit and watch my life (world) happening without me.
- I'm tired of wasting my life, I figured that's better than nothing.
- 'Cause I can be out of the house for more time (I don't need to live in sorority house or anything like that, I still live in my parents place. Here in Brazil, we don't live in rooms with other students and things like that. Only if the college is in another state).
- And also because at the end of this year I will take that test again and do my best to get accepted into the college that I want and get my degree in journalism.
But as usual, it's not all sunshine and rainbows in that college, I'll explain it better in my next entry, with the rest of "The Story..." hahahahahahaha. I'm just tired of doing nothing, I guess I must try to do something for me, for my life and try to forget about the E.D. and see if I can make it... right?
I guess that's it.
"So you failed. You wanna be really great?
Have the courage to fail big and stick around.
Make them wonder why you're still smiling."
Have the courage to fail big and stick around.
Make them wonder why you're still smiling."
__________________________________________________
ps: Thank you Katelyn, as I already said to you before:
You made my day! For real. It's incredible how we can touch and be touched by people who live in another country and that we have never met face to face. And that's what makes your message so important to me, the fact that you don't know me face to face, but care about me.
I'm not being able to express myself how I wanted, I'm probably sounding confusing right now, so: thank you so much!
You made my day! For real. It's incredible how we can touch and be touched by people who live in another country and that we have never met face to face. And that's what makes your message so important to me, the fact that you don't know me face to face, but care about me.
I'm not being able to express myself how I wanted, I'm probably sounding confusing right now, so: thank you so much!
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