Hey guys.
Well, I guess this is the first time in a really, really long time, that I have some good news to share with you, well, not as much good as actually just news.
So, these last two weeks things got better. I'm eating like, 400 calories per day and doing some exercises at home, of course that I did screw things up a little, I had three "little" binge episodes, I say little because I know that I can do a LOT worse than that. I've been watching some eating disorders videos on youtube to help me out, but they're not "pro ana" videos, the videos I've seen are made by girls who used to be anorexics, bulimics or whatever and than now they're trying to recover; I don't know why, but they're helping me to feel more confident, strong and stick to my diet, I guess they make me feel this way because I can relate to those girls, just like me, they used to be thin, popular, "perfect" and bla bla bla and now, they're lost, trying to get their lives back... So yeah, it's good to watch them. I couldn't possibly watch those "pro ana" craps, because I find 99% of the girls who made those videos, idiots and also because those girls are thin, pretty, they're in control of their bodies, so, you can imagine how I feel when I watch a person who is what I'm not and how I wish to be and can't... It's very, very depressing. I feel bad about myself, like a failure.
Last week I went to the movies with that friend of mine from college. We watched Shrek... (hahhaha) Well, the movie isn't great or anything, but I guess it was a good thing for me, just to get out of my house, to walk in the streets at night... I simply enjoy this feeling of freedom that I haven't had in my life for a real long time. I felt like I was a normal person in that movie theatre, just being there with all those normal people, made me being even more certain that I don't wanna spend the rest of my life isolated from the world.
It's so weird to carry a whole life inside the body and no one suspects about all the crying, falling, fears. I'm smiling with my mouth, not my heart.
I've been trying to become humble. To take all the "No"s that life gives me. To lick the palaces floor, to feel despised like a dog, and it's ok, wake up, brush my teeths, eat breakfast and keep going. Not easy.
I lost in these two weeks, 6.6 lbs, not much, but I have no hurry, I don't have any plans right now. I won't give up on life, I'll win out of spite. Life will surrender to me.
Thanks girls for all your support, you have absolutely no idea how thankful I am.
Well, I guess this is the first time in a really, really long time, that I have some good news to share with you, well, not as much good as actually just news.
So, these last two weeks things got better. I'm eating like, 400 calories per day and doing some exercises at home, of course that I did screw things up a little, I had three "little" binge episodes, I say little because I know that I can do a LOT worse than that. I've been watching some eating disorders videos on youtube to help me out, but they're not "pro ana" videos, the videos I've seen are made by girls who used to be anorexics, bulimics or whatever and than now they're trying to recover; I don't know why, but they're helping me to feel more confident, strong and stick to my diet, I guess they make me feel this way because I can relate to those girls, just like me, they used to be thin, popular, "perfect" and bla bla bla and now, they're lost, trying to get their lives back... So yeah, it's good to watch them. I couldn't possibly watch those "pro ana" craps, because I find 99% of the girls who made those videos, idiots and also because those girls are thin, pretty, they're in control of their bodies, so, you can imagine how I feel when I watch a person who is what I'm not and how I wish to be and can't... It's very, very depressing. I feel bad about myself, like a failure.
Last week I went to the movies with that friend of mine from college. We watched Shrek... (hahhaha) Well, the movie isn't great or anything, but I guess it was a good thing for me, just to get out of my house, to walk in the streets at night... I simply enjoy this feeling of freedom that I haven't had in my life for a real long time. I felt like I was a normal person in that movie theatre, just being there with all those normal people, made me being even more certain that I don't wanna spend the rest of my life isolated from the world.
It's so weird to carry a whole life inside the body and no one suspects about all the crying, falling, fears. I'm smiling with my mouth, not my heart.
I've been trying to become humble. To take all the "No"s that life gives me. To lick the palaces floor, to feel despised like a dog, and it's ok, wake up, brush my teeths, eat breakfast and keep going. Not easy.
I lost in these two weeks, 6.6 lbs, not much, but I have no hurry, I don't have any plans right now. I won't give up on life, I'll win out of spite. Life will surrender to me.
Thanks girls for all your support, you have absolutely no idea how thankful I am.
"I think I live in a different world"
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