Continuing...
I was losing weight very fast and was very determined.
Let me tell you guys a little bit about my relationship with my family. I live with my mother, father and my brother (he's one year younger than me). When I was little, I used to get along pretty well with all of them, I don't know exactly when things started to change, maybe when I was 12 or 13 years old; that I started to go out and things like that. But it all comes down pretty much to this: I don't love my mother and father (but I do respect them) and they don't love me either. I'm not being dramatic or anything like that, just realistic. When I was younger (that age that I've mentioned) they were always comparing to my brother, saying that I should be more like him, do this or do that...We used to fight a lot (me and my mother), things got to a point that I said: "I hate you" and she said: "You're the biggest mistake of my life". Since those days, we don't talk much; to an outsider, would seem that I don't belong to the family; because my mom, dad, brother they live in their own world and me in mine. I don't interact with them. They rarely talk to me and I rarely talk to them. When I lost all that weight, my parents didn't say a word about it (and also when I gained it back). So, for me it was easy to stay away from food, because my parents don't make me eat, don't ask me what I've eaten and things like that. So, everything seems perfect. But then I start to think about food all the time you know? I dreamed about foods that I couldn't eat and I was feeling weaker and weaker. Depression was slowly coming into my life. When my friends called me, inviting me to go out, sometimes I didn't went. Because I was feeling so weak and tired. And when I did went, I don't know... I started to feel like I didn't belong there you know? I saw all those smiley faces around me and I simply couldn't smile back (at least not a real smile, I was always faking). All that I could think about was food! How many calories I ate, how many I should eat tomorrow, how many were on that vodka... I wasn't truly capable to have a great time and focus on what was happening around me. I was feeling so sad, even though all my friends were with me. But something inside of me was broken and they didn't see that. And even though they could have seen it coming, unfortunately they couldn't help me (I never allowed that).
And then, one day I made a decision: to ingest more calories, because then I'd have more energy to enjoy the nights out with my friends and life in general. In my head, all those feelings that I had, would disappear when I put on some weight.
And that was when everything started to go wrong... ___________________________________________________
Back to the present. I just wanna thank you guys so much for your lovely comments! I seriously can't thank you enough.
Since the last time I came here, things were pretty much the same: terrible. But this last week I started to slowly get my life (confidence) together... baby steps right? I realized that is IMPOSSIBLE for me to fix all my problems in just one day. I have to take as much time as I need. I don't think that I screwed things up this (last) week. The only thing that is really bothering and annoying me is my fucking job! I'm seriously thinking about quitting, because I'm working with such shady, cruel, envy and mean people (the worst part is that they are my bosses¬¬) and that's affecting me. I feel so bad when I got there to work. A lot of times that I screwed up my diet was because I was feeling so anxious/nervous/upset over that lame job.
Well I talked too much, I'll stop now. I sincerely hope you all are ok and that you all have a great week. Just say to yourself: 2010 starts tomorrow (as salvage caballo said to me).
We can fix a lot of the things that are making us miserable today.
I was losing weight very fast and was very determined.
Let me tell you guys a little bit about my relationship with my family. I live with my mother, father and my brother (he's one year younger than me). When I was little, I used to get along pretty well with all of them, I don't know exactly when things started to change, maybe when I was 12 or 13 years old; that I started to go out and things like that. But it all comes down pretty much to this: I don't love my mother and father (but I do respect them) and they don't love me either. I'm not being dramatic or anything like that, just realistic. When I was younger (that age that I've mentioned) they were always comparing to my brother, saying that I should be more like him, do this or do that...We used to fight a lot (me and my mother), things got to a point that I said: "I hate you" and she said: "You're the biggest mistake of my life". Since those days, we don't talk much; to an outsider, would seem that I don't belong to the family; because my mom, dad, brother they live in their own world and me in mine. I don't interact with them. They rarely talk to me and I rarely talk to them. When I lost all that weight, my parents didn't say a word about it (and also when I gained it back). So, for me it was easy to stay away from food, because my parents don't make me eat, don't ask me what I've eaten and things like that. So, everything seems perfect. But then I start to think about food all the time you know? I dreamed about foods that I couldn't eat and I was feeling weaker and weaker. Depression was slowly coming into my life. When my friends called me, inviting me to go out, sometimes I didn't went. Because I was feeling so weak and tired. And when I did went, I don't know... I started to feel like I didn't belong there you know? I saw all those smiley faces around me and I simply couldn't smile back (at least not a real smile, I was always faking). All that I could think about was food! How many calories I ate, how many I should eat tomorrow, how many were on that vodka... I wasn't truly capable to have a great time and focus on what was happening around me. I was feeling so sad, even though all my friends were with me. But something inside of me was broken and they didn't see that. And even though they could have seen it coming, unfortunately they couldn't help me (I never allowed that).
And then, one day I made a decision: to ingest more calories, because then I'd have more energy to enjoy the nights out with my friends and life in general. In my head, all those feelings that I had, would disappear when I put on some weight.
And that was when everything started to go wrong... ___________________________________________________
Back to the present. I just wanna thank you guys so much for your lovely comments! I seriously can't thank you enough.
Since the last time I came here, things were pretty much the same: terrible. But this last week I started to slowly get my life (confidence) together... baby steps right? I realized that is IMPOSSIBLE for me to fix all my problems in just one day. I have to take as much time as I need. I don't think that I screwed things up this (last) week. The only thing that is really bothering and annoying me is my fucking job! I'm seriously thinking about quitting, because I'm working with such shady, cruel, envy and mean people (the worst part is that they are my bosses¬¬) and that's affecting me. I feel so bad when I got there to work. A lot of times that I screwed up my diet was because I was feeling so anxious/nervous/upset over that lame job.
Well I talked too much, I'll stop now. I sincerely hope you all are ok and that you all have a great week. Just say to yourself: 2010 starts tomorrow (as salvage caballo said to me).
We can fix a lot of the things that are making us miserable today.
"You're maudlin and full of self-pity. You're magnificent!"
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