I'm back

That's how I look now...
I'm still fat, unhappy and depressed. But also, I'm still here.
Later I'll tell you guys what has happened in my life, ok?
Take care and oh, I REALLY missed you all! :)

I'm only happy when it rains

I know that I promised to update the journal, but I haven't had the time, but I'm working on it and well, I must correct TONS of grammatical errors, otherwise, you guys wouldn't be able to understand me. I'll probably do this tomorrow, the post is almost finished.
I just wanted to show you guys two videos that I made when I was 18 and 19 years old, it was an assignment for college, we had to make a video (with one minute only) describing ourselves, or at least trying to and one year later we had to make another one showing what has changed. Well, I like these videos and the song is TOTALLY ME.

Anyway, I hope you guys were able to laugh with my stupid face.
Tons of hugs and kisses.

Ce la vie

Hey girls, well I really don't even know where to start, because as I said before, a LOT of things have happened, but basically things got pretty bad and I wasn't being capable to handle with them anymore, I was (am) so depressed and apathetic, I wasn't in the mood for doing anything, include update the journal (sorry you guys). Well, one night I was desperate, I mean, I really believed that everything that I was doing was pointless, that I'll never be thin again and that I'll never be able to see my friends again, so, what did I do? I tried to kill myself (again), I took a lot of pills... Yeah, really smart Helena, well done! Anyway, my father took me to the hospital and after that I decided to try (again) some recovery clinic, I lived there for a couple of months, but that didn't work either.

I quitted college and I only didn't get fired from my job because as far as they're concerned I was doing some kind of treatment.
So, yeah, I'm still here, still sad, still depressed and feeling like a piece of shit. I'm too scared, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to rip out this pain and despair that I feel and crush my heart. A band-aid in the heart and a smile on the face.
And if you find me weird, respect. Even I had to learn how to respect me. That my loneliness be my companion, that I have the guts to face me, that I learn how to live with nothing and even so feel like I'm completely fulfilled.
I try to focus on those old feelings like happiness or faith or hope. But I'm just standing here, immovable, without feeling anything, without wanting anything.
Silence. I need to die. I died a few times, theres a while that I haven't. Sometimes it's necessary, it's necessary die to live. I've been missing God. I'm a skeptical that believes in everything, a disillusioned full of illusions, a rebellious that accepts, smiling, all the evil in life, a indifferent that overflow with tenderness . Serious and systematic until the vices, paying attention to all subtleties of a clear and lucid reasoning. I can't however, not being some kind of female Don Quixote, who fights against windmills, chimeric and fantastic, always wrong and always asking new lies to life.
And I who expected fireworks, forgot that stars don't make sounds

How can I escape from the demons in my head?

And I'm still here

Sorry for my disappearance, but a LOT of things has happened. Tomorrow I explain myself better, but basically things still suck, even more than before.
But hey, I'm still here, I'm still alive, so why not start again?
I hope every single one of you are ok, I really missed you guys!


So, that's how I look now... whatever, I'm not happy at all. Tons of hugs and kisses, girls.

"I all know is that I'm a sick woman and I'm all alone..."

Need to crawl before walk

Hey guys.
Well, I guess this is the first time in a really, really long time, that I have some good news to share with you, well, not as much good as actually just news.
So, these last two weeks things got better. I'm eating like, 400 calories per day and doing some exercises at home, of course that I did screw things up a little, I had three "little" binge episodes, I say little because I know that I can do a LOT worse than that. I've been watching some eating disorders videos on youtube to help me out, but they're not "pro ana" videos, the videos I've seen are made by girls who used to be anorexics, bulimics or whatever and than now they're trying to recover; I don't know why, but they're helping me to feel more confident, strong and stick to my diet, I guess they make me feel this way because I can relate to those girls, just like me, they used to be thin, popular, "perfect" and bla bla bla and now, they're lost, trying to get their lives back... So yeah, it's good to watch them. I couldn't possibly watch those "pro ana" craps, because I find 99% of the girls who made those videos, idiots and also because those girls are thin, pretty, they're in control of their bodies, so, you can imagine how I feel when I watch a person who is what I'm not and how I wish to be and can't... It's very, very depressing. I feel bad about myself, like a failure.
Last week I went to the movies with that friend of mine from college. We watched Shrek... (hahhaha) Well, the movie isn't great or anything, but I guess it was a good thing for me, just to get out of my house, to walk in the streets at night... I simply enjoy this feeling of freedom that I haven't had in my life for a real long time. I felt like I was a normal person in that movie theatre, just being there with all those normal people, made me being even more certain that I don't wanna spend the rest of my life isolated from the world.
It's so weird to carry a whole life inside the body and no one suspects about all the crying, falling, fears. I'm smiling with my mouth, not my heart.
I've been trying to become humble. To take all the "No"s that life gives me. To lick the palaces floor, to feel despised like a dog, and it's ok, wake up, brush my teeths, eat breakfast and keep going. Not easy.
I lost in these two weeks, 6.6 lbs, not much, but I have no hurry, I don't have any plans right now. I won't give up on life, I'll win out of spite. Life will surrender to me.
Thanks girls for all your support, you have absolutely no idea how thankful I am.

"I think I live in a different world"

Who will love Aladdin Sane?

Hello you guys!
Well, finally I'm on a break/winter vacation from college... THANK GOD. But I guess it would be sooo much better if I had a break from my job too... =/
Unfortunately my life isn't very interesting and I have nothing new to say. I'm trying to eat 500 calories a day, but I can't say that I've succeed... not yet!
Basically, I spend my days watching movies, reading books and I'm getting scared, 'cause I'm getting TOO comfortable with this situation, I mean, what's the point to lose weight if I'm not gonna go out with my friends anymore? In a way, I guess I'm self sabotaging myself. I'm seriously thinking on a deadline... A deadline to start to live my life again! To go out with my friends! (losing or not losing weight). I need to feel alive again, to see my friends, to laugh... But I'm feeling so insecure about what they will think about me.
The only thing I'm sure is that I don't wanna keep living like this. Right now, I'm feeling like the worst version of myself, just a stupid shadow and God, nobody deserves to feel this way. I'm not sure about what I'm going to do, but this situation needs DRASTIC MEASURES! Tonight, I'm gonna put my head on the pillow and think about some plan.. Lists of things that I should do to start getting my life on tracks again you know? So, if you guys have ANY, ANY ideas, PLEASE, let me know! 'Cause being alone, reading a book or watching a movie every single day IT'S NOT FUN! That's for sure! There's nothing pretty, romantic, mysterious or interesting about loneliness... just pain, hate, self pity and despair.

ps: sorry for this LAME post =/

And I will never, never again run away from life

Be kind with yourself

Sorry for taking so long to update. I suck!

But I wanna thank all of you guys for your support and kind words. I guess I have nothing really interesting to say. My job still sucks, college is a little bit better, I mean, I can definitely say that I've become very close to those girls, especially to one of them! I have no doubt that we've become friends. We laugh at the same jokes and our (angry and depressive hahahaha) personalities are very similar and that's amazing. But it wouldn't be fair to say that I didn't connect to the other two, it's just that I have more affinity with this other girl. But all of them are sort of my friends now. They all know that I take pills, but only that other girl knows about my E.D.

I haven't been doing any diet, I've binged a lot, but I haven't purged! That's a good thing... right? But unfortunately, I gained all the weight... =/
Last night, I was watching a rerun of the Oprah show and the guest was that author of that book: "Women, food and God", Geneen Roth. I really enjoyed the interview. In a way, I already knew all those things, but I felt really touched by some women's stories... It's so sad too see how much (imaginary) power we have conceded to food. So, I've decided to be kind with myself (one of the things that the author says in her book). We can only relieve ourselves from this prison through kindness and love, we can't keep torturing, hating and hurting ourselves and expect that anything good come from there. I'm not saying that I'm going to give up or anything like that, but I won't be so hard on myself; there's a LOT of people out there, that already treat me like that (like my mother, for example), so let them torture, hate or hurt me, 'cause I won't. I'm not also saying that I won't complain or vent, no, but I will not get all dramatic about it and I'll be more reasonable. I've been through a lot and I can't expect to succeed without some falls or little failures, the only thing that will be different, is the way I'm going to react to them.

I'll NOT hurt myself anymore, I'll NOT cry all night long anymore, I'll NOT hate myself anymore... No! I'll be proud of every single try and day.
Fride posted some Audrey Hepburn pictures on her journal and I automatically remembered of this Audreys quote and it's a beautiful one:

"For attractive lips,
Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise,
Walk with the knowledge that you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed,
Never throw out anybody.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
You'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands;
One for helping yourself,
The other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives and the passion that she shows.

The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years."

"My darling, you're such a child. You think that by saying, "I'm sorry," all the past can be corrected".