So, here I am.
Well, I was going to tell you guys a REALLY long and dramatic story, but then I decided not to, because it's not worth it and it's very confusing.
Summarizing:
I quitted my job and college (again), I'm back to my parent's house but at least I'm being able to lose weight, see, I was weighing 63kg (138.6) and I've started a new diet and exercise program on november 29th and now my weight is 54kg (118.8). It's not easy at all, actually is REALLY hard, but I can't give up, I'm really tired of being a failure. My plan is to lose weight, feel more comfortable in my skin and then actually do something to change my life.
TRYING to summarizing what I meant to tell you guys is that I met a really amazing guy on facebook (on september, 2010), he's friend with a girl that I know, he lives in another state, he's very problematic too, so, we immediately connected, we used to talk for hours on msn, I told him about my eating disorder and pretty much all about me and he did the same thing. I fell in love with him (yeah, for the first time in my life I'm in love, crap¬¬), because he listened to me, he's funny, very intelligent man, actually, he's the most intelligent person that I know. He came to live in my city (july, 2011) but the thing is that he doesn't love me back, he doesn't even think I'm pretty enough you know? But that didn't stop us from having sex and bla bla bla, well, last november he got back to his town, he's a chef (yeah, I know, very ironic) and he was willing to make some money to be able to live here again, actually we were thinking about living together, as friends. He said to me that by december he'd be definitely back, but guess what? He didn't come back and now he's looking for a place to live there with his friends. I know I'm being selfish and whatever, but when he left I was in a bad place you know? I said that I didn't want him to leave, that I needed him here and I don't know, as a friend, I would NEVER leave a friend who needed me behind and alone, but he did, the thing is that our relationship became really dramatic/poisoning and he wasn't being able to deal with me anymore, we fought a lot and bla bla bla. My depression was consuming him. And now is hard for me to see him enjoying his life, hanging out with his friends, while I can't do any of these things, I avoid my friends, I'm alone, living in a house that I hate with people who hate me. We talk everyday on facebook, well, I guess is more accurate to say that we fight everyday on facebook, 'cause according to him I'm sucking the life out of him and that I should do something to make my life better, ok, I completely agree with that, but we all know that ain't easy, I can't just pretend that I'm not depressed or that I don't have an eating disorder and I can't even be sad or complain to him anymore that he gets mad and says that he has to go, 'cause he doesn't wanna a negative person near him anymore.
I feel betrayed, I opened myself to him, I shared my feelings and now that I'm not fun anymore he got tired, now he realized that depression and other diseases aren't as romantic and fun as he thought they were. Anyway, I'm trying to be cool about it, but it breaks my heart seeing that a person that I love (also as a friend) is forgetting me and thinks I'm poison, he doesn't wanna help me anymore and thinks that I'm a lost cause.
I know I'm no angel or whatever, but I don't think it's fair, I'm not doing anything to get his attention or whatever, I'm just being me (complaining about things like I always have) and apparently now that his life and his career are progressing I'm not the kind of friend that he wants to be in his life anymore. Nice.
Yeah, thats all I need to start a fucking new year!
Well, I was going to tell you guys a REALLY long and dramatic story, but then I decided not to, because it's not worth it and it's very confusing.
Summarizing:
I quitted my job and college (again), I'm back to my parent's house but at least I'm being able to lose weight, see, I was weighing 63kg (138.6) and I've started a new diet and exercise program on november 29th and now my weight is 54kg (118.8). It's not easy at all, actually is REALLY hard, but I can't give up, I'm really tired of being a failure. My plan is to lose weight, feel more comfortable in my skin and then actually do something to change my life.
TRYING to summarizing what I meant to tell you guys is that I met a really amazing guy on facebook (on september, 2010), he's friend with a girl that I know, he lives in another state, he's very problematic too, so, we immediately connected, we used to talk for hours on msn, I told him about my eating disorder and pretty much all about me and he did the same thing. I fell in love with him (yeah, for the first time in my life I'm in love, crap¬¬), because he listened to me, he's funny, very intelligent man, actually, he's the most intelligent person that I know. He came to live in my city (july, 2011) but the thing is that he doesn't love me back, he doesn't even think I'm pretty enough you know? But that didn't stop us from having sex and bla bla bla, well, last november he got back to his town, he's a chef (yeah, I know, very ironic) and he was willing to make some money to be able to live here again, actually we were thinking about living together, as friends. He said to me that by december he'd be definitely back, but guess what? He didn't come back and now he's looking for a place to live there with his friends. I know I'm being selfish and whatever, but when he left I was in a bad place you know? I said that I didn't want him to leave, that I needed him here and I don't know, as a friend, I would NEVER leave a friend who needed me behind and alone, but he did, the thing is that our relationship became really dramatic/poisoning and he wasn't being able to deal with me anymore, we fought a lot and bla bla bla. My depression was consuming him. And now is hard for me to see him enjoying his life, hanging out with his friends, while I can't do any of these things, I avoid my friends, I'm alone, living in a house that I hate with people who hate me. We talk everyday on facebook, well, I guess is more accurate to say that we fight everyday on facebook, 'cause according to him I'm sucking the life out of him and that I should do something to make my life better, ok, I completely agree with that, but we all know that ain't easy, I can't just pretend that I'm not depressed or that I don't have an eating disorder and I can't even be sad or complain to him anymore that he gets mad and says that he has to go, 'cause he doesn't wanna a negative person near him anymore.
I feel betrayed, I opened myself to him, I shared my feelings and now that I'm not fun anymore he got tired, now he realized that depression and other diseases aren't as romantic and fun as he thought they were. Anyway, I'm trying to be cool about it, but it breaks my heart seeing that a person that I love (also as a friend) is forgetting me and thinks I'm poison, he doesn't wanna help me anymore and thinks that I'm a lost cause.
I know I'm no angel or whatever, but I don't think it's fair, I'm not doing anything to get his attention or whatever, I'm just being me (complaining about things like I always have) and apparently now that his life and his career are progressing I'm not the kind of friend that he wants to be in his life anymore. Nice.
Yeah, thats all I need to start a fucking new year!
Jedes herz ist eine revolutionäre zelle
(every heart is a revolutionary cell)
(every heart is a revolutionary cell)
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