People suck

So, here I am.
Well, I was going to tell you guys a REALLY long and dramatic story, but then I decided not to, because it's not worth it and it's very confusing.
Summarizing:
I quitted my job and college (again), I'm back to my parent's house but at least I'm being able to lose weight, see, I was weighing 63kg (138.6) and I've started a new diet and exercise program on november 29th and now my weight is 54kg (118.8). It's not easy at all, actually is REALLY hard, but I can't give up, I'm really tired of being a failure. My plan is to lose weight, feel more comfortable in my skin and then actually do something to change my life.
TRYING to summarizing what I meant to tell you guys is that I met a really amazing guy on facebook (on september, 2010), he's friend with a girl that I know, he lives in another state, he's very problematic too, so, we immediately connected, we used to talk for hours on msn, I told him about my eating disorder and pretty much all about me and he did the same thing. I fell in love with him (yeah, for the first time in my life I'm in love, crap¬¬), because he listened to me, he's funny, very intelligent man, actually, he's the most intelligent person that I know. He came to live in my city (july, 2011) but the thing is that he doesn't love me back, he doesn't even think I'm pretty enough you know? But that didn't stop us from having sex and bla bla bla, well, last november he got back to his town, he's a chef (yeah, I know, very ironic) and he was willing to make some money to be able to live here again, actually we were thinking about living together, as friends. He said to me that by december he'd be definitely back, but guess what? He didn't come back and now he's looking for a place to live there with his friends. I know I'm being selfish and whatever, but when he left I was in a bad place you know? I said that I didn't want him to leave, that I needed him here and I don't know, as a friend, I would NEVER leave a friend who needed me behind and alone, but he did, the thing is that our relationship became really dramatic/poisoning and he wasn't being able to deal with me anymore, we fought a lot and bla bla bla. My depression was consuming him. And now is hard for me to see him enjoying his life, hanging out with his friends, while I can't do any of these things, I avoid my friends, I'm alone, living in a house that I hate with people who hate me. We talk everyday on facebook, well, I guess is more accurate to say that we fight everyday on facebook, 'cause according to him I'm sucking the life out of him and that I should do something to make my life better, ok, I completely agree with that, but we all know that ain't easy, I can't just pretend that I'm not depressed or that I don't have an eating disorder and I can't even be sad or complain to him anymore that he gets mad and says that he has to go, 'cause he doesn't wanna a negative person near him anymore.
I feel betrayed, I opened myself to him, I shared my feelings and now that I'm not fun anymore he got tired, now he realized that depression and other diseases aren't as romantic and fun as he thought they were. Anyway, I'm trying to be cool about it, but it breaks my heart seeing that a person that I love (also as a friend) is forgetting me and thinks I'm poison, he doesn't wanna help me anymore and thinks that I'm a lost cause.
I know I'm no angel or whatever, but I don't think it's fair, I'm not doing anything to get his attention or whatever, I'm just being me (complaining about things like I always have) and apparently now that his life and his career are progressing I'm not the kind of friend that he wants to be in his life anymore. Nice.
Yeah, thats all I need to start a fucking new year!

Jedes herz ist eine revolutionäre zelle

(every heart is a revolutionary cell)

I'm back

That's how I look now...
I'm still fat, unhappy and depressed. But also, I'm still here.
Later I'll tell you guys what has happened in my life, ok?
Take care and oh, I REALLY missed you all! :)

I'm only happy when it rains

I know that I promised to update the journal, but I haven't had the time, but I'm working on it and well, I must correct TONS of grammatical errors, otherwise, you guys wouldn't be able to understand me. I'll probably do this tomorrow, the post is almost finished.
I just wanted to show you guys two videos that I made when I was 18 and 19 years old, it was an assignment for college, we had to make a video (with one minute only) describing ourselves, or at least trying to and one year later we had to make another one showing what has changed. Well, I like these videos and the song is TOTALLY ME.

Anyway, I hope you guys were able to laugh with my stupid face.
Tons of hugs and kisses.

Ce la vie

Hey girls, well I really don't even know where to start, because as I said before, a LOT of things have happened, but basically things got pretty bad and I wasn't being capable to handle with them anymore, I was (am) so depressed and apathetic, I wasn't in the mood for doing anything, include update the journal (sorry you guys). Well, one night I was desperate, I mean, I really believed that everything that I was doing was pointless, that I'll never be thin again and that I'll never be able to see my friends again, so, what did I do? I tried to kill myself (again), I took a lot of pills... Yeah, really smart Helena, well done! Anyway, my father took me to the hospital and after that I decided to try (again) some recovery clinic, I lived there for a couple of months, but that didn't work either.

I quitted college and I only didn't get fired from my job because as far as they're concerned I was doing some kind of treatment.
So, yeah, I'm still here, still sad, still depressed and feeling like a piece of shit. I'm too scared, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to rip out this pain and despair that I feel and crush my heart. A band-aid in the heart and a smile on the face.
And if you find me weird, respect. Even I had to learn how to respect me. That my loneliness be my companion, that I have the guts to face me, that I learn how to live with nothing and even so feel like I'm completely fulfilled.
I try to focus on those old feelings like happiness or faith or hope. But I'm just standing here, immovable, without feeling anything, without wanting anything.
Silence. I need to die. I died a few times, theres a while that I haven't. Sometimes it's necessary, it's necessary die to live. I've been missing God. I'm a skeptical that believes in everything, a disillusioned full of illusions, a rebellious that accepts, smiling, all the evil in life, a indifferent that overflow with tenderness . Serious and systematic until the vices, paying attention to all subtleties of a clear and lucid reasoning. I can't however, not being some kind of female Don Quixote, who fights against windmills, chimeric and fantastic, always wrong and always asking new lies to life.
And I who expected fireworks, forgot that stars don't make sounds

How can I escape from the demons in my head?

And I'm still here

Sorry for my disappearance, but a LOT of things has happened. Tomorrow I explain myself better, but basically things still suck, even more than before.
But hey, I'm still here, I'm still alive, so why not start again?
I hope every single one of you are ok, I really missed you guys!


So, that's how I look now... whatever, I'm not happy at all. Tons of hugs and kisses, girls.

"I all know is that I'm a sick woman and I'm all alone..."

Need to crawl before walk

Hey guys.
Well, I guess this is the first time in a really, really long time, that I have some good news to share with you, well, not as much good as actually just news.
So, these last two weeks things got better. I'm eating like, 400 calories per day and doing some exercises at home, of course that I did screw things up a little, I had three "little" binge episodes, I say little because I know that I can do a LOT worse than that. I've been watching some eating disorders videos on youtube to help me out, but they're not "pro ana" videos, the videos I've seen are made by girls who used to be anorexics, bulimics or whatever and than now they're trying to recover; I don't know why, but they're helping me to feel more confident, strong and stick to my diet, I guess they make me feel this way because I can relate to those girls, just like me, they used to be thin, popular, "perfect" and bla bla bla and now, they're lost, trying to get their lives back... So yeah, it's good to watch them. I couldn't possibly watch those "pro ana" craps, because I find 99% of the girls who made those videos, idiots and also because those girls are thin, pretty, they're in control of their bodies, so, you can imagine how I feel when I watch a person who is what I'm not and how I wish to be and can't... It's very, very depressing. I feel bad about myself, like a failure.
Last week I went to the movies with that friend of mine from college. We watched Shrek... (hahhaha) Well, the movie isn't great or anything, but I guess it was a good thing for me, just to get out of my house, to walk in the streets at night... I simply enjoy this feeling of freedom that I haven't had in my life for a real long time. I felt like I was a normal person in that movie theatre, just being there with all those normal people, made me being even more certain that I don't wanna spend the rest of my life isolated from the world.
It's so weird to carry a whole life inside the body and no one suspects about all the crying, falling, fears. I'm smiling with my mouth, not my heart.
I've been trying to become humble. To take all the "No"s that life gives me. To lick the palaces floor, to feel despised like a dog, and it's ok, wake up, brush my teeths, eat breakfast and keep going. Not easy.
I lost in these two weeks, 6.6 lbs, not much, but I have no hurry, I don't have any plans right now. I won't give up on life, I'll win out of spite. Life will surrender to me.
Thanks girls for all your support, you have absolutely no idea how thankful I am.

"I think I live in a different world"

Who will love Aladdin Sane?

Hello you guys!
Well, finally I'm on a break/winter vacation from college... THANK GOD. But I guess it would be sooo much better if I had a break from my job too... =/
Unfortunately my life isn't very interesting and I have nothing new to say. I'm trying to eat 500 calories a day, but I can't say that I've succeed... not yet!
Basically, I spend my days watching movies, reading books and I'm getting scared, 'cause I'm getting TOO comfortable with this situation, I mean, what's the point to lose weight if I'm not gonna go out with my friends anymore? In a way, I guess I'm self sabotaging myself. I'm seriously thinking on a deadline... A deadline to start to live my life again! To go out with my friends! (losing or not losing weight). I need to feel alive again, to see my friends, to laugh... But I'm feeling so insecure about what they will think about me.
The only thing I'm sure is that I don't wanna keep living like this. Right now, I'm feeling like the worst version of myself, just a stupid shadow and God, nobody deserves to feel this way. I'm not sure about what I'm going to do, but this situation needs DRASTIC MEASURES! Tonight, I'm gonna put my head on the pillow and think about some plan.. Lists of things that I should do to start getting my life on tracks again you know? So, if you guys have ANY, ANY ideas, PLEASE, let me know! 'Cause being alone, reading a book or watching a movie every single day IT'S NOT FUN! That's for sure! There's nothing pretty, romantic, mysterious or interesting about loneliness... just pain, hate, self pity and despair.

ps: sorry for this LAME post =/

And I will never, never again run away from life