Little victory.

Hey girls, just hoping your Christmas was better than mine.

Just to contradict me, my parents decided to go to my grandmother's house and "celebrate" (which means, eat+eat+eat) Christmas. I decided not to go, I wasn't in the mood to give all those fake smiles and hugs and obviously to stay away from all that food. So, I stayed home, by myself... I must say, was a little bit depressed! ahahahaha. I talked to a friend of mine on msn for a couple of hours, then she had to go, 'cause she was going to a party with her friends. So, I watched some movies.
I think I did ok last week:

monday: no food
tuesday: 200 calories
wednesday: 400 calories
thursday: no food
friday: no food
saturday: 300 calories
sunday: 300 calories

I weighed yesterday and I'm with 55kg (121lbs). Last time I weighed I was with 58.7kg (129.1lbs), is not much, but considering all the binge episodes and bulimia, I guess it's a good thing that I've lost that weight. At least I didn't gained it... That's the way I see it (or want to see...).
About new year's plan? Same as Christmas!
I can't wait to get a life again, 'cause these haven't been easy times for me. I'm not an envious person, but I can't stand watching others people's happiness, it hurts so much... I don't know how long this fake smile of mine that I open every single day at work will last... If only people could see through it.
I hope 2010 be an amazing year for all of us! That all our goals and dreams become true and that we all be able to get rid of the ED... even just a bit. But all these things, only depends on us, so, let's go for it, girls!
It's OUR year!!!

"Everybody's hell is different. It's not all fire and pain. The real hell is your life
gone wrong."

There's no point in being nuts if you can't have a little fun - (A Beautiful Mind)

Hello girls!

Well, unfortunately those last two weeks didn't went exactly as I planned (what a surprise¬¬). Monday (12/7) I ate a little bit more than the 200 calories, tuesday I did stay all day without food, wednesday and thursday I ate I guess 500 calories (and thursday I supposed to stay without food) and friday... oh boy, that was THE disaster day! But I was out of meds since monday, new ones had just arrived wednesday (12/9), so since then things are going a little bit better.
Last thursday (12/17) I went to a gathering with my bosses (some kind of happy hour), I SO wouldn't want to go! I just went 'cause if I didn't, it was make a bad impression, anyway, I went with a co-worker that I kind like, she's a nice girl. Do you guys have any idea where it was this happy hour? At a male strip club! For Christ's sake, I was SO, SO uncorfotable, not only by the fact that I'm not into those kind of places, but also because I was surrounded by all of my bosses (which by the way, are all females hehehehe) and I don't know how to act around them outside of work (and also because I dislike them alll¬¬). Anyway, I drank... a LOT! By that time, I was having sooo much fun... hahahahaha. I crashed on my co-worker's couch; only slept 3 ou 4 hours and then I had to go to work... But I guess that worth the experience. At least I didn't stay at home.
I supposed to go to a party and to a concert this last saturday . but as usual, I was feeling so fat and sad that I didn't went, I bailed on my friends or ex-friends, whatever...
But yesterday (sunday), I did some interesting things, I went to see the Henri Cartier-Bresson exhibition and it was FABULOUS! He inspired me so much! He's my favorite photographer ever! The way that he capture perfect and unique moments are undescritible!
I don't know what I'm gonna do about food plans for this week, I'll just try to do my best and that's what truly matters.
Even though I don't celebrate christmas, I wish you all amerry christmas, peace, love and hope!!!

"The most difficult thing for me is a portrait. You have to try and put your camera between the skin of a person and his shirt."

Henri Cartier-Bresson

Once you choose hope, anything's possible.

Well, here I am again.

As I told you guys, I've bought my pills, but I didn't stick to my food plan as I should. And it was all my fault. I was cheating and deceiveing myself. But once more, I opened my eyes, what's the point of buying the freaking pills if I'll not give 100% of myself?
So, for this week I've committed myself with the two best girls in the world (Mirror_Phobic and Salvage_Caballo from LJ) to a food plan of 300 calories.
Sor far things are going pretty well. For next week I'll push a little bit, I'm thinking about doing the same food plan except on tuesday and thursday, that I'll not eat anything. I only hope that doesn't end in a disaster...
So, I guess I have some "good" news. Last saturday I went to a reggae concert. I absolutely love the group who was playing there! I mean, for them (and Bowie) I leave my house no matter how big I am! But let's be clear, I went with a co-worker of mine. She's a nice girl and I really enjoy her company, but she has no idea about my ED and she haven't met me when I was thinner, so, in a way, I don't mind to go out with her. But I can't say either, that I was feeling 100% confident with my body and things like that. And just to show you girls, how lucky I am, when I got to the concert I saw an old friend of mine who knows everything about my ED... ¬¬ Seriously, I had wanted to hide myself, 'cause I was feeling so, so ashamed! I'm 20kg (44 lbs) fatter than when he met me; but, at least, he doesn't care at all about my weight and always thought that I was "too" thin. He made me laugh a lot and even said that I look better than before... yeah, right¬¬ So, around him I feel a little bit more comfortable than with other friends of mine. The concert was amazing! I jumped a LOT! Sang a LOT! Laughed, cried... for one moment, the world was exactly how my heart wished.
And girls, it doens't matter how many times we fail, because all the pain and suffering that we've been through, make those moments (when we feel that life is a blessing) totally worth it! And that we're so lucky to be alive and that's foolish wasting our time being sad if we can be happy! And we feel the need to grab every little opportunity, because time goes by too fast and I wanna leave behind me a life filled with laughter and love. I'm not in this world just to fill up space, I'm here to contribute (even if it is just with my smile) and to be truthful to my believes.
Oh, before I forget, I supposed to weighting myself on monday, but I didn't had the time (my job is literally sucking the life out of me¬¬) and I don't have a scale at home (I rather not to), so I was only able to weight myself on wednesday and I'm with 58.7kg (129.1 lbs) and I'm 1,71 (5'61). My ideal goal is 49kg (107.8 lbs). I don't care if will take all my life, but I'll make it!
Take care girls and every time each of you fell lonely, just remember that you have a friend here! Thanks from the bottom of my heart for everything that you have given me.
Have an amazing weekend!

"Try at something for once in your life, do something about it. But you know what? You better do it now and you better do it fast because the world doesn't owe you any favors."