Little victory.

Hey girls, just hoping your Christmas was better than mine.

Just to contradict me, my parents decided to go to my grandmother's house and "celebrate" (which means, eat+eat+eat) Christmas. I decided not to go, I wasn't in the mood to give all those fake smiles and hugs and obviously to stay away from all that food. So, I stayed home, by myself... I must say, was a little bit depressed! ahahahaha. I talked to a friend of mine on msn for a couple of hours, then she had to go, 'cause she was going to a party with her friends. So, I watched some movies.
I think I did ok last week:

monday: no food
tuesday: 200 calories
wednesday: 400 calories
thursday: no food
friday: no food
saturday: 300 calories
sunday: 300 calories

I weighed yesterday and I'm with 55kg (121lbs). Last time I weighed I was with 58.7kg (129.1lbs), is not much, but considering all the binge episodes and bulimia, I guess it's a good thing that I've lost that weight. At least I didn't gained it... That's the way I see it (or want to see...).
About new year's plan? Same as Christmas!
I can't wait to get a life again, 'cause these haven't been easy times for me. I'm not an envious person, but I can't stand watching others people's happiness, it hurts so much... I don't know how long this fake smile of mine that I open every single day at work will last... If only people could see through it.
I hope 2010 be an amazing year for all of us! That all our goals and dreams become true and that we all be able to get rid of the ED... even just a bit. But all these things, only depends on us, so, let's go for it, girls!
It's OUR year!!!

"Everybody's hell is different. It's not all fire and pain. The real hell is your life
gone wrong."

There's no point in being nuts if you can't have a little fun - (A Beautiful Mind)

Hello girls!

Well, unfortunately those last two weeks didn't went exactly as I planned (what a surprise¬¬). Monday (12/7) I ate a little bit more than the 200 calories, tuesday I did stay all day without food, wednesday and thursday I ate I guess 500 calories (and thursday I supposed to stay without food) and friday... oh boy, that was THE disaster day! But I was out of meds since monday, new ones had just arrived wednesday (12/9), so since then things are going a little bit better.
Last thursday (12/17) I went to a gathering with my bosses (some kind of happy hour), I SO wouldn't want to go! I just went 'cause if I didn't, it was make a bad impression, anyway, I went with a co-worker that I kind like, she's a nice girl. Do you guys have any idea where it was this happy hour? At a male strip club! For Christ's sake, I was SO, SO uncorfotable, not only by the fact that I'm not into those kind of places, but also because I was surrounded by all of my bosses (which by the way, are all females hehehehe) and I don't know how to act around them outside of work (and also because I dislike them alll¬¬). Anyway, I drank... a LOT! By that time, I was having sooo much fun... hahahahaha. I crashed on my co-worker's couch; only slept 3 ou 4 hours and then I had to go to work... But I guess that worth the experience. At least I didn't stay at home.
I supposed to go to a party and to a concert this last saturday . but as usual, I was feeling so fat and sad that I didn't went, I bailed on my friends or ex-friends, whatever...
But yesterday (sunday), I did some interesting things, I went to see the Henri Cartier-Bresson exhibition and it was FABULOUS! He inspired me so much! He's my favorite photographer ever! The way that he capture perfect and unique moments are undescritible!
I don't know what I'm gonna do about food plans for this week, I'll just try to do my best and that's what truly matters.
Even though I don't celebrate christmas, I wish you all amerry christmas, peace, love and hope!!!

"The most difficult thing for me is a portrait. You have to try and put your camera between the skin of a person and his shirt."

Henri Cartier-Bresson

Once you choose hope, anything's possible.

Well, here I am again.

As I told you guys, I've bought my pills, but I didn't stick to my food plan as I should. And it was all my fault. I was cheating and deceiveing myself. But once more, I opened my eyes, what's the point of buying the freaking pills if I'll not give 100% of myself?
So, for this week I've committed myself with the two best girls in the world (Mirror_Phobic and Salvage_Caballo from LJ) to a food plan of 300 calories.
Sor far things are going pretty well. For next week I'll push a little bit, I'm thinking about doing the same food plan except on tuesday and thursday, that I'll not eat anything. I only hope that doesn't end in a disaster...
So, I guess I have some "good" news. Last saturday I went to a reggae concert. I absolutely love the group who was playing there! I mean, for them (and Bowie) I leave my house no matter how big I am! But let's be clear, I went with a co-worker of mine. She's a nice girl and I really enjoy her company, but she has no idea about my ED and she haven't met me when I was thinner, so, in a way, I don't mind to go out with her. But I can't say either, that I was feeling 100% confident with my body and things like that. And just to show you girls, how lucky I am, when I got to the concert I saw an old friend of mine who knows everything about my ED... ¬¬ Seriously, I had wanted to hide myself, 'cause I was feeling so, so ashamed! I'm 20kg (44 lbs) fatter than when he met me; but, at least, he doesn't care at all about my weight and always thought that I was "too" thin. He made me laugh a lot and even said that I look better than before... yeah, right¬¬ So, around him I feel a little bit more comfortable than with other friends of mine. The concert was amazing! I jumped a LOT! Sang a LOT! Laughed, cried... for one moment, the world was exactly how my heart wished.
And girls, it doens't matter how many times we fail, because all the pain and suffering that we've been through, make those moments (when we feel that life is a blessing) totally worth it! And that we're so lucky to be alive and that's foolish wasting our time being sad if we can be happy! And we feel the need to grab every little opportunity, because time goes by too fast and I wanna leave behind me a life filled with laughter and love. I'm not in this world just to fill up space, I'm here to contribute (even if it is just with my smile) and to be truthful to my believes.
Oh, before I forget, I supposed to weighting myself on monday, but I didn't had the time (my job is literally sucking the life out of me¬¬) and I don't have a scale at home (I rather not to), so I was only able to weight myself on wednesday and I'm with 58.7kg (129.1 lbs) and I'm 1,71 (5'61). My ideal goal is 49kg (107.8 lbs). I don't care if will take all my life, but I'll make it!
Take care girls and every time each of you fell lonely, just remember that you have a friend here! Thanks from the bottom of my heart for everything that you have given me.
Have an amazing weekend!

"Try at something for once in your life, do something about it. But you know what? You better do it now and you better do it fast because the world doesn't owe you any favors."

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

Hey girls.

So, I wasn't updating as much as I should, the reason is because these last weeks have been so terrible that I didn't have anything good at all to tell; sure, I guess that I could have vented and tell everything that was happening to me, but the truth is that I'm not capable of such thing. I would probably let you all depressed and sad. I was (am) ashamed of came here and tell that I'm a failure, that I have all the ability in the world to be happy, but apparently I don't have enough willpower, 'cause I let food defeated me; that I rather eat like a pig to mask my pain than fight for my dreams and be truly happy. I feel like a fraude! Anyway, since my last update things fell apart, I wasn't able to do my food plan; I was binging/purging a lot! I honestly have no idea about how much weight I have gained, but definitely was a LOT!
See, I buy pills from a dealer by internet, but I don't know what happened to him, I can't contact him at all... As I already told you guys, I'm a compulsive eater, so you can imagine what happened to me with no pills... And the worst part was that I had a plan, I was going with a friend of mine to a music festival, guess who was going to play there?: Iggy Pop, Sonic Youth, NASA and many other bands! I even bought my ticket, but when the day came, I was feeling so, so fat that I didn't had the courage to go. My friend started to call me like a maniac, but I didn't answer her phone calls...What should I had said to her? She already knows about my ED, but every time that I talk to her about it, I kind make fun of myself (thing that I only can do many days after those "dark days" and when I'm already feeling better/thin). I don't like to sound weak and I don't wanna my friends to see me as I really am: fragile. Because I'm too proud. I'd rather that they keep only the good things about me, cause the worse ones I'd rather carry them by myself. I'd like to be remind as a fun, independent and outgoing girl, not like this weak and pathetic person! I haven't talk to her (my friend) ever since. The festival was three weeks ago. I guess she's mad at me; I can't blame her.
Anyway, last week things were ok (compared to the personal hell that I was living) and by thursday I found another person who sell the same pills. So, I already bought Valium and amphetamines and so far things have been great! Not just ok, but really great! I'm really sticking to my food plan 100%.

Yeah, I know, it's too soon to brag about it, but I can't help it, I'm feeling all this hope inside of me and I have to believe... otherwise I'm really a fraude.
I wanna leave behind me a real life, full of laughter, friendships, fun, love and people who will have only good memories of me and who will be glad for once, to had me in their lives.
I'll try to update more often, wish me luck girls!

"I know I have a heart because I feel it breaking."

Wars are not won by evacuations (Churchill)

This week wasn’t perfect, but was definitely a hundred times better than last one. I was able to do my food plan until thursday. Friday and saturday things got a little out of control, I ate more than I had planned to (but at least was way less compared to last week). I’ll keep the same plan food for next week. I wanna come here and be able to tell you guys that I actually succeed, that I made it!

See, I can’t wait to be thin again and feel comfortable on my own skin. I wanna hang out with my friends and enjoy my life. To me, gaining weight is a terrible thing, because every time that I got fat, I isolate myself from the world, don’t go out and don’t even talk to my friends (over the phone or internet). I feel like they could find out that I got fat again, that I’m a pathetic girl that can’t even control herself, that says that doesn't eat, that food doesn't control her and then start to eat like a pig.

If it wasn’t for the pills, today I wouldn’t be capable of losing weight. Since I’ve become a compulsive eater I can’t eat like a normal person. Now I live of amphetamines and anti-anxiety medications plus my meds for the agoraphobia. I used to be a pretty outgoing girl but the ED has changed my life and only brought sadness and more diseases and phobias along.

Complaining does not help, so I have to get my butt out of the couch and start doing something about it, am I right? I sincerely hope that you guys feel the same way I do.

Because we are too good to be defeated by food.

"All the best people have bad chests and bone diseases. It's all frightfully romantic."

a brand new beginning

Hey you guys!
How are you? I hope you all have a nice week!
So, last week things went pretty bad for me, but I decided to change things. Keep feeling sorry for myself is not going to help at all! It's a self-destructive attitude. It's my life and I deserve to be happy. Basically my plan for this week is intercalate a day without food with another eating just 200 calories.The problem is that I'm a compulsive eater, so it's really hard for me, but I'm taking some diet pills to help me out. So far things have been ok. I didn't eat all day! The trick thing will be tomorrow's 200 calories, because once food gets into my mouth... oh man, it's the apocalypse!
I would like to write more, but I got to hurry up. I'll promise to tell more about myself and I would love to know a little bit more about you guys as well :)
Perhaps I'm being foolish... keep trying to do something that might even be impossible, but I guess that I can't be satisfied with easier goals.

"They say it's the last song. They don't know us, you see. It's only the last song if we let it be"

who am i?

Brazilian girl.21 years old.addicted to Bowie.photographer.had anorexia.today she's bulimic and compulsive eater.huge fan of Fellini and Hitchcock. loves classic-old-noir-movies.compulsive reader.vegetarian. agoraphobic. loves to laugh.addicted to pills.wants to change the world but can't even change herself.loves art and good people.depressed.hasn't seen her best friends in 3 years.always has been addicted to red marlboro.wears red nail polish sometimes and always has an ambiguos look.


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Yeah it's pretty much it.
I've decided to make this blog, but the posts will be the same posts that I'll publish on LiveJournal, otherwise I'll get crazy hehehehe.

"In this big, epic movie - everyone is an extra"