My Life (part III)

Continuing...

While I was thin and starting to feel depressed, I wasn't hanging out with my friends so often (as I said) and I started hanging out with other friends, 3 boys (I used to go to school with one of them) and they're awesome! It was two different groups to hang out with, but they both were perfect in their own way. But the real, real, real friends was the first group.
Anyway, I was remembering that when I started being paranoid about my weight, I didn't know I had anorexia, I seriously didn't know! One day, I was surfing on the internet and I don't know in what web page I ended up, but it was explaining the symptoms and bla bla bla. I remember vividly that I felt scared, because everything that was written in there applied to me! I used to think that eating disorder was a stupid girl disease and I would never thought that I would have it, I always had such strong personality, people considered me smart... the type of girl who definitely doesn't follow the patterns and who doesn't give a damn about them! But that feeling (the scary feeling) didn't last long. Here in Brazil, we don't use facebook as much as other countries, we use more orkut, so one day I was on my orkut page and some random girl added me as a friend, and she only did that because I was in some diet groups and on her profile page there was a whole new and different world, the "ana mia" world... Then I started being "proud" of having a disease and didn't keep secret about it with my friends. I became very "popular" in that world, I made a blog and had tons of "friends". They called me thinspo and I was an "example" of willpower, because I rarely ate and in all my posts I used to tell about my weekend, about my nights out, my drunkenness and all the stupid things that we do when we're drunk that are fun and make us and other people laugh. The problem was, when I started to gain weight and wasn't so fun and funny anymore, all those "friends" disappeared and didn't even visit my page anymore; that hurt me a lot.
Anyway, continuing, so I decided to ingest more calories, the problem was that I simply couldn't stop eating, I easily could gain in one week and a half 10 kg (22 lbs)... By that time, I obviously wasn't hanging out (or even talking) with my friends anymore, I was very ashamed of myself, I quitted college and my job and the only thing I did all day was eat, eat, eat... Until I became a compulsive eater I never had throwing up before (not intentionally, of course), but I didn't see any way out, I felt trapped and even more depressed than ever; so, I started throwing up, at least I figured that I wouldn't gain more weight. I used to throw up at least 8 or 9 times a day (I even had a stomach ulcer because of it). I don't even have to say that I was feeling more and more depressed, I started to cut myself and I didn't make some superficial cuts, (like some stupid girls) I did some deep ones - I even had to get stitches - and today, I have some AWFUL scars on my arm, really awful, I can't hide it, they're very thick... I regret that, if I could go back in time, I would NEVER do that to myself again. It was a stupid habit and didn't solve any of my problems.
So, I found a person on the internet that sold medications without medical prescription and I bought them. I lived on valium, amphetamines and some other meds. When I was feeling confident enough I went out with my friends, but before, things were different; they have changed (a LOT) and the few times that I saw them, wasn't the whole group, just 3 girls (out of 11 persons) that today, I still keep in touch. So, I don't know how to explain it to you guys, but it wasn't the same to me, we used to be so close and all of a sudden we barely saw each other and what let me even more sad it's that most of the time that I didn't went out (because I was feeling fat or because they "forgot" to invite me) the whole group was reunited. In a way, I started to feel even more depressed and left out. Today I still keep in touch with that 3 girls and 4 other friends that I met at a previous job; and I see them 3 or 4 times a year.
I'm talking too much already, I promisse that the next entry will be the last one of "The Story of My Life" ahahaha.

__________________________________________________


Well, I honestly don't have anything new or exciting to tell you guys. I just wish I could sleep forever, because it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed each morning =/

Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive

My Life (part II)

Continuing...
I was losing weight very fast and was very determined.
Let me tell you guys a little bit about my relationship with my family. I live with my mother, father and my brother (he's one year younger than me). When I was little, I used to get along pretty well with all of them, I don't know exactly when things started to change, maybe when I was 12 or 13 years old; that I started to go out and things like that. But it all comes down pretty much to this: I don't love my mother and father (but I do respect them) and they don't love me either. I'm not being dramatic or anything like that, just realistic. When I was younger (that age that I've mentioned) they were always comparing to my brother, saying that I should be more like him, do this or do that...We used to fight a lot (me and my mother), things got to a point that I said: "I hate you" and she said: "You're the biggest mistake of my life". Since those days, we don't talk much; to an outsider, would seem that I don't belong to the family; because my mom, dad, brother they live in their own world and me in mine. I don't interact with them. They rarely talk to me and I rarely talk to them. When I lost all that weight, my parents didn't say a word about it (and also when I gained it back). So, for me it was easy to stay away from food, because my parents don't make me eat, don't ask me what I've eaten and things like that. So, everything seems perfect. But then I start to think about food all the time you know? I dreamed about foods that I couldn't eat and I was feeling weaker and weaker. Depression was slowly coming into my life. When my friends called me, inviting me to go out, sometimes I didn't went. Because I was feeling so weak and tired. And when I did went, I don't know... I started to feel like I didn't belong there you know? I saw all those smiley faces around me and I simply couldn't smile back (at least not a real smile, I was always faking). All that I could think about was food! How many calories I ate, how many I should eat tomorrow, how many were on that vodka... I wasn't truly capable to have a great time and focus on what was happening around me. I was feeling so sad, even though all my friends were with me. But something inside of me was broken and they didn't see that. And even though they could have seen it coming, unfortunately they couldn't help me (I never allowed that).
And then, one day I made a decision: to ingest more calories, because then I'd have more energy to enjoy the nights out with my friends and life in general. In my head, all those feelings that I had, would disappear when I put on some weight.
And that was when everything started to go wrong... ___________________________________________________

Back to the present. I just wanna thank you guys so much for your lovely comments! I seriously can't thank you enough.
Since the last time I came here, things were pretty much the same: terrible. But this last week I started to slowly get my life (confidence) together... baby steps right? I realized that is IMPOSSIBLE for me to fix all my problems in just one day. I have to take as much time as I need. I don't think that I screwed things up this (last) week. The only thing that is really bothering and annoying me is my fucking job! I'm seriously thinking about quitting, because I'm working with such shady, cruel, envy and mean people (the worst part is that they are my bosses¬¬) and that's affecting me. I feel so bad when I got there to work. A lot of times that I screwed up my diet was because I was feeling so anxious/nervous/upset over that lame job.
Well I talked too much, I'll stop now. I sincerely hope you all are ok and that you all have a great week. Just say to yourself: 2010 starts tomorrow (as salvage caballo said to me).
We can fix a lot of the things that are making us miserable today.

"You're maudlin and full of self-pity. You're magnificent!"