Before the ED I dare say that I had the perfect life. I had amazing friends which I saw every weekend, we used to go out a lot and have fun. Everybody who knew me back then described me as a fun, independent, intelligent, sarcastic girl, with a good sense of humor and who would never end up with such stupid disease like this, because of my strong personality.
The thing is that one day a person made a comment about my weight (a person that I really despise and dislike), so, to prove her wrong I decided to lose a few pounds... Well, I don’t even have to say how things ended up right? The few pounds became 20kg (44lbs) and all the suddenly I became anorexic. I was eating 200 calories a day and exercising a lot. I always told my friends about my concerns about my weight, but the thing is that I always made fun of myself, so, I guess in a way they didn’t take me 100% seriously; sometimes when we were having a party and had to go grocery shopping, I used make stupid calories jokes while they were buying food; I used to take away from them every junk (or regular) food saying: “Look, look how many calories are in this stuff! No, no, let’s buy some letuce...” hahahaha. They looked at me mad (but laughing too) saying: “Helena, shut up. Go buy your letuce and we’re gonna buy some chips”. They saw me lose all that weight and they didn't discourage me, of course they didn't approve, but for them I was ok, 'cause I was always laughing and making jokes about it. Even they made fun of me, comparing me to sticks and always making jokes about me being too thin, and the worst part is that I felt flattered...
___________________________________________________
Anyway back to the present, last week only didn't suck more because didn't have more days... Seriously I'm right now so depressed about the things that I've done, I even consider drink the whole bottle of pills to get an overdose to not wake up the next day, but that wouldn't be the right thing to do and honestly, I don't wanna be a coward. I wanna get out of this life with my head up and no regrets; the only reason that I could possibly think for me to take my life would be if I was truly hopeless, but I'm not, I still believe that I can change things! As long as I have this feeling with me, I'll keep breathing and trying. I'll not give up only because things got harder, nobody said it would be easy.
I hope next week I have some good news to tell you guys =/
"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"
