Hey girls, well I really don't even know where to start, because as I said before, a LOT of things have happened, but basically things got pretty bad and I wasn't being capable to handle with them anymore, I was (am) so depressed and apathetic, I wasn't in the mood for doing anything, include update the journal (sorry you guys). Well, one night I was desperate, I mean, I really believed that everything that I was doing was pointless, that I'll never be thin again and that I'll never be able to see my friends again, so, what did I do? I tried to kill myself (again), I took a lot of pills... Yeah, really smart Helena, well done! Anyway, my father took me to the hospital and after that I decided to try (again) some recovery clinic, I lived there for a couple of months, but that didn't work either.
I quitted college and I only didn't get fired from my job because as far as they're concerned I was doing some kind of treatment.
So, yeah, I'm still here, still sad, still depressed and feeling like a piece of shit. I'm too scared, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to rip out this pain and despair that I feel and crush my heart. A band-aid in the heart and a smile on the face.
And if you find me weird, respect. Even I had to learn how to respect me. That my loneliness be my companion, that I have the guts to face me, that I learn how to live with nothing and even so feel like I'm completely fulfilled.
I try to focus on those old feelings like happiness or faith or hope. But I'm just standing here, immovable, without feeling anything, without wanting anything.
Silence. I need to die. I died a few times, theres a while that I haven't. Sometimes it's necessary, it's necessary die to live. I've been missing God. I'm a skeptical that believes in everything, a disillusioned full of illusions, a rebellious that accepts, smiling, all the evil in life, a indifferent that overflow with tenderness . Serious and systematic until the vices, paying attention to all subtleties of a clear and lucid reasoning. I can't however, not being some kind of female Don Quixote, who fights against windmills, chimeric and fantastic, always wrong and always asking new lies to life.
And I who expected fireworks, forgot that stars don't make sounds
How can I escape from the demons in my head?
