Anyway, I can't say I'm thrilled or happy about be studying again, but at least I'm more fine now than during the first days. See, on my first day who I saw in the same class as me? An old gay friend, actually we weren't friends, we just had friends in common, so we used to hang out together. He's a nice guy (at least that's what I used to think) and fun, but my friend (one of those friends in common) don't like him and always said that he is that "pseudo-intellectual" kind of guy, you know? I've mentioned to some of you guys, that I used to have a friend, she was really cool, but she's a lesbian and well, even though she knew that I'm not, she insisted on having more than a friendship with me. Anyway, she got crazy. Started to follow my life on the internet, talk to my friends behind my back. Now I don't talk to her anymore, 'cause she ALWAYS makes a scene and she's very dramatic... The thing is, that guy that is in my classroom, is a best friend of this girl, so, when I saw him, I was kind of happy, at least was a familiar face you know? (and I didn't have anything against him... so far). Oh boy, I was soooo wrong, he came up to me with all the pseudo-intellectual crap. I if said that I like green, he'd said that he likes yellow, because is the BEST and ONLY color, you know? Always making stupid speeches, he was being kind of rude to me, trying to transform every single thing that I said in the most pathetic idea, goal or ideology. On the third day, I sat on the chair next to him and you know what he said? He asked me to jump a seat, because he wanted to put his backpack on the chair... Then I started to make conversation, he barely answered me and then, he simply got up (while I was still talking) and went to the other side of the classroom to talk to some guys. That was it! I thought: "C'mon, you're SO much better than him! You don't need to beg his friendship for God's sake!". So, I turned to my left and started to talk with three girls. And now, guess what? That stupid guy, became SUCH a suckass of me! Really, like, almost every day he gives me cigarettes, starts to talk to me and the girls. I didn't have anything against him at all and I know he likes me, he was just acting like a poser; because he wanted to be "loyal" to his crazy psycho friend and he thought that I wouldn't make any friendships... hahahaha. The thing is, he talks superficially with everybody in our classroom, but I don't know if he's too arrogant or what, that he's ALWAYS alone. We used to smoke together during the first days, now, while I'm talking and smoking with the girls during the break/intermission (I don't know how to translate) he's there, smoking by himself. And everytime he got a chance, he come to talk to me, all nice, gentle, praising me, laughing at my jokes...¬¬ That's why I don't act the way he acted to me, I know that every single thing we do in this world, come back to us... I only can say this: TOO BAD FOR HIM! hahahahaha. I won't humiliate him or anything, but I'll never be his friend, I only talk to him if he talks to me first and I always say what I'm thinking to his face! I've been nice to him and he preferred to act like an idiot to me. At least I say it to his face.
But besides that, things haven't changed, I'm still eating like a pig, gaining and gaining weight and I haven't been able to see my friends and hang out with them. I'm so terrified now, seriously, something inside of me, is telling me that's how my life is going to be. That I'll be a failure, with a mediocre job and with no friends... And I guess the worst part is that I believe in that.
My job still sucks! On one hand the college is good, 'cause at least I can interact to people who don't know about my E.D, so I don't mind hanging out with them, 'cause they didn't know me when I was thin, but at the same time, I'm not happy, 'cause this isn't the major that I want...
Anyway, at least in july we'll have a break, so, I'll be able to come here more often.
Before I go, yesterday was mother's day right? Even though I don't have a good relationship with my mother, I decided to buy her a present, I spent HOURS in a mall with a work colleague who was late to a party, but she decided to help me to choose a present. So, I bought a Burberry coat and a perfume by Yves Saint Laurent. I came home and decided to already give her the presents; she said "Thanks" and opened the bags, she looked the presents and said: "Thanks, but I don't like these kind of things" and put the bags on the couch and turned her back on me... I can't even say how much that hurted me; because my colleague was like: "C'mon, you HAVE to buy something for your mother, I'm sure she'll be so happy" and bla bla bla, and stupid me to believe that my mother would actually like anything that I bought for her. My brother gave her chocolate and soccer shirt. She loved it! She's announcing to the whole world what a great son she has. In the meanwhile, I was drinking vodka and getting drunk; then I don't know all this pain that I keep inside myself suddenly became too much to handle and the only thing I was able to do to relieve a little of that pain and sadness was to cut my arm (I'm not proud of it) and lay down on the bathroom floor and cry my eyes out.
Well, I hope you guys have an amazing week.
"You think I wanna be like this?"
But besides that, things haven't changed, I'm still eating like a pig, gaining and gaining weight and I haven't been able to see my friends and hang out with them. I'm so terrified now, seriously, something inside of me, is telling me that's how my life is going to be. That I'll be a failure, with a mediocre job and with no friends... And I guess the worst part is that I believe in that.
My job still sucks! On one hand the college is good, 'cause at least I can interact to people who don't know about my E.D, so I don't mind hanging out with them, 'cause they didn't know me when I was thin, but at the same time, I'm not happy, 'cause this isn't the major that I want...
Anyway, at least in july we'll have a break, so, I'll be able to come here more often.
Before I go, yesterday was mother's day right? Even though I don't have a good relationship with my mother, I decided to buy her a present, I spent HOURS in a mall with a work colleague who was late to a party, but she decided to help me to choose a present. So, I bought a Burberry coat and a perfume by Yves Saint Laurent. I came home and decided to already give her the presents; she said "Thanks" and opened the bags, she looked the presents and said: "Thanks, but I don't like these kind of things" and put the bags on the couch and turned her back on me... I can't even say how much that hurted me; because my colleague was like: "C'mon, you HAVE to buy something for your mother, I'm sure she'll be so happy" and bla bla bla, and stupid me to believe that my mother would actually like anything that I bought for her. My brother gave her chocolate and soccer shirt. She loved it! She's announcing to the whole world what a great son she has. In the meanwhile, I was drinking vodka and getting drunk; then I don't know all this pain that I keep inside myself suddenly became too much to handle and the only thing I was able to do to relieve a little of that pain and sadness was to cut my arm (I'm not proud of it) and lay down on the bathroom floor and cry my eyes out.
Well, I hope you guys have an amazing week.
"You think I wanna be like this?"
