Hey girls.
So, I wasn't updating as much as I should, the reason is because these last weeks have been so terrible that I didn't have anything good at all to tell; sure, I guess that I could have vented and tell everything that was happening to me, but the truth is that I'm not capable of such thing. I would probably let you all depressed and sad. I was (am) ashamed of came here and tell that I'm a failure, that I have all the ability in the world to be happy, but apparently I don't have enough willpower, 'cause I let food defeated me; that I rather eat like a pig to mask my pain than fight for my dreams and be truly happy. I feel like a fraude! Anyway, since my last update things fell apart, I wasn't able to do my food plan; I was binging/purging a lot! I honestly have no idea about how much weight I have gained, but definitely was a LOT!
See, I buy pills from a dealer by internet, but I don't know what happened to him, I can't contact him at all... As I already told you guys, I'm a compulsive eater, so you can imagine what happened to me with no pills... And the worst part was that I had a plan, I was going with a friend of mine to a music festival, guess who was going to play there?: Iggy Pop, Sonic Youth, NASA and many other bands! I even bought my ticket, but when the day came, I was feeling so, so fat that I didn't had the courage to go. My friend started to call me like a maniac, but I didn't answer her phone calls...What should I had said to her? She already knows about my ED, but every time that I talk to her about it, I kind make fun of myself (thing that I only can do many days after those "dark days" and when I'm already feeling better/thin). I don't like to sound weak and I don't wanna my friends to see me as I really am: fragile. Because I'm too proud. I'd rather that they keep only the good things about me, cause the worse ones I'd rather carry them by myself. I'd like to be remind as a fun, independent and outgoing girl, not like this weak and pathetic person! I haven't talk to her (my friend) ever since. The festival was three weeks ago. I guess she's mad at me; I can't blame her.
Anyway, last week things were ok (compared to the personal hell that I was living) and by thursday I found another person who sell the same pills. So, I already bought Valium and amphetamines and so far things have been great! Not just ok, but really great! I'm really sticking to my food plan 100%.
See, I buy pills from a dealer by internet, but I don't know what happened to him, I can't contact him at all... As I already told you guys, I'm a compulsive eater, so you can imagine what happened to me with no pills... And the worst part was that I had a plan, I was going with a friend of mine to a music festival, guess who was going to play there?: Iggy Pop, Sonic Youth, NASA and many other bands! I even bought my ticket, but when the day came, I was feeling so, so fat that I didn't had the courage to go. My friend started to call me like a maniac, but I didn't answer her phone calls...What should I had said to her? She already knows about my ED, but every time that I talk to her about it, I kind make fun of myself (thing that I only can do many days after those "dark days" and when I'm already feeling better/thin). I don't like to sound weak and I don't wanna my friends to see me as I really am: fragile. Because I'm too proud. I'd rather that they keep only the good things about me, cause the worse ones I'd rather carry them by myself. I'd like to be remind as a fun, independent and outgoing girl, not like this weak and pathetic person! I haven't talk to her (my friend) ever since. The festival was three weeks ago. I guess she's mad at me; I can't blame her.
Anyway, last week things were ok (compared to the personal hell that I was living) and by thursday I found another person who sell the same pills. So, I already bought Valium and amphetamines and so far things have been great! Not just ok, but really great! I'm really sticking to my food plan 100%.
Yeah, I know, it's too soon to brag about it, but I can't help it, I'm feeling all this hope inside of me and I have to believe... otherwise I'm really a fraude.
I wanna leave behind me a real life, full of laughter, friendships, fun, love and people who will have only good memories of me and who will be glad for once, to had me in their lives.
I'll try to update more often, wish me luck girls!
"I know I have a heart because I feel it breaking."
